Francesca liked to look at life differently. She was the grounded-in-logic counterbalance to my emotionally driven, heart-on-my-sleeve self — a pragmatic Italian with an insatiable appetite for espresso and problem-solving. So, naturally, when heartbreak inevitably struck her, she approached it, well, methodically.

Why Does the Heart Ache?

While I might have wallowed in tissues, Francesca chose a different path. “I need to know why my brain is reacting this way,” she said, diving into research about heartbreak’s biology to find a way to recover.

What she found was fascinating — heartbreak isn’t just emotional; it’s deeply rooted in biology. She came across studies showing that romantic rejection triggers the same parts of the brain as physical pain and addiction.^[1] That’s why it feels so all-consuming, almost like going through withdrawal.

As she kept digging, Francesca realized the pain also comes from losing the deep connection your brain gets used to during a relationship. Love literally rewires your brain, and when that bond breaks, your brain struggles to adjust.^[2] It’s like your mind is craving something that’s no longer there, and that’s why it hurts so much.

I was skeptical, I’ll admit. Fran’s research-driven approach to heartbreak looked to me like she was avoiding feeling her feelings and trying to rationalize the situation. Sure, chemistry could explain why heartbreak feels so intense, but could it really offer a way out?

Think You Can’t Move On? These Steps Might Prove You Wrong

Francesca’s research into heartbreak led her to a powerful realization, as she herself put it, while I began to wonder if this is how madness begins.

She wouldn’t stop throwing around names like Guy Winch, David Kessler, Helen Fisher, and Brené Brown as if they were hot celebs. She filled her notebook with insights from psychologists and neuroscientists. Her conclusion was simple: harnessing science can help heal and move on.

I was about to call for an intervention when she did something surprising.

Emotional Processing

Francesca called me one day, her voice fast and urgent, asking me to come over. I assumed I was walking into another TED Talk session on brain chemistry. But that wasn’t what I found.

When I arrived, Francesca was flooded with tears, vulnerable in a way I had never seen before. Her face was puffy, her eyes red — it was clear she’d been crying for hours.

“It’s not even about him,” she said through tears. “It’s about losing everything I thought I knew — about my future, my identity, my place in the world.” She explained how it felt like grieving multiple losses at once: the relationship, her vision of life, and the person she thought she was.

That day, I realized that Francesca wasn’t avoiding her feelings — she was processing them, facing her grief head-on. And in doing so, she was taking her first real step toward moving forward. According to science, of course.😉 

Grieving is essential to healing because it helps you process loss in a way that makes emotional sense. The five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — were first observed in people facing terminal illness.^[4] And while a heartbreak may not seem as significant, any loss, big or small, deserves to be grieved.

That day changed my view on Francesca’s approach to healing, and the next step she took made perfect sense.

Self-Compassion

Francesca’s next revelation came during a late-night phone call. “Throw away all your self-help books,” she announced. “I found something better.”

She’d spent one morning berating herself for checking her ex’s social media again. “Classic me, always the fool,” she’d written in her journal. But then she caught herself — this harsh inner voice wasn’t making her feel better. 

“Self-compassion literally changes our brain chemistry,” she said to me. Apparently, when we’re kind to ourselves, our bodies release oxytocin and opiates — the same chemicals that help mothers bond with their babies.^[6] 

“You know, I spent my whole life criticizing myself, and you know what Kristen says [referring to Kristen Neff, the specialist on self-compassion, like they were besties]? If it were going to work, it would have already worked. So what’s the point?”

We all know that living creatures thrive in positive, nurturing environments, but we often forget to nurture ourselves. That’s why Francesca decided to start treating herself with the same love she gave others: through self-love meditations, self-hugging, and forgiving herself for any past mistakes. Because, really, that’s the essence of self-love, isn’t it?

Secretly, I started making notes of Francesca’s findings, jotting down names and book titles. When she told me about her next move, I just nodded in agreement.

Avoiding Negative Triggers

I saw the story he posted before she did — the rooftop bar, the girl, his arm around her waist. After watching Francesca’s journey these past weeks, I dreaded this could derail her progress. 

Meeting her for coffee that afternoon, I studied her face for signs of distress. Nothing seemed off. Finally, I brought it up because if she’d found a way to not be triggered by something like that, I wanted to know all about it. 

“So . . . have you been on Instagram lately?” 

She smiled knowingly. “I blocked him. Everywhere. Full no-contact. This one article I found says that seeing your ex, even online, keeps your brain stuck in emotional pain. So, out of sight, out of mind.”^[7] 

She also got rid of everything in her apartment that reminded her of him, and she removed all their photos from her cloud — except for the ones where she looked super cute, obviously.

All this seemed inhuman to me. Was she a cyborg? But then she told me what gave her the courage and strength. 

Seeking Support

Stirring her espresso, she smiled at me, “I’m not a robot,” she said, “I just discovered something important very early on.”

She leaned on her friends and family because she knew she couldn’t do it alone. She told me about the night she couldn’t stop spiraling and called her sister. “Just having someone to listen made all the difference.”

She explained that she’d always known how important a support network was — she’d invested in her friendships for years, and I’d seen that firsthand. But only during this hard time did she truly realize how much less stressful and emotionally overwhelming breakups can be when you have people to lean on.^[9] 

I guess we don’t need research to know that having support makes a difference — it’s something we instinctively understand.

But not everyone made the cut. Some people suggested she distract herself by going out or having fun, but she rolled her eyes at that. Those people wanted her to get over it faster for them, not for her.

Instead, she focused on connecting with people who truly listened and understood her while setting boundaries with anyone whose advice or energy didn’t align with what she needed to heal.

Francesca’s approach showed me that healing comes from balancing support from others and trust in yourself. And speaking of balance, she had another science-backed healing strategy up her sleeve.

Physical Activity

Turns out, Francesca’s breakup recovery program involved dragging me along for the ride (or, more accurately, the run)!

Of course, the most obvious and widely available expert advice for healing heartbreak is to get moving — do sports, they say. And I get it now, mostly because Francesca explained it to me in great detail. 

She covered everything: how exercise is one of the most effective ways to improve mental health, how physical activity releases endorphins and dopamine, which boost mood and reduce sadness, how regular exercise can enhance cognitive function and even alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety — basically, everything Andrew Huberman knows and more.^[10]

But why, in her world, did it translate to waking up early to run in the cold, dark mornings? Why doesn’t the advice ever suggest something like an evening swim in a warm pool followed by a relaxing massage?

Still, I couldn’t deny it worked. I’d seen it firsthand during my own breakup, when a friend and I used to go for walks. Back then, I just didn’t know the science behind it. Now, being in it with Francesca, it all clicked. 

The strangest part, though, was that I should’ve been the one encouraging her, but the motivation was all her own. I still couldn’t quite wrap my head around that shift. 

Between the mysterious evening activities and the growing collection of exotic spices in her kitchen, I was beginning to suspect running wasn’t the only new adventure she had in mind.

Finding New Joys and Hobbies

Though none of us saw it coming, Francesca became a self-proclaimed master chef. It’s funny because she used to be so famously bad at cooking that for her birthday we once bought her an Italian cookbook as a joke (she got super upset). But heartbreak does weird things to people.

In her own words, “I was tired of all that thinking and crying.” From her research, Francesca had learned that one of the best ways to break the cycle of rumination — replaying painful emotions and moments endlessly — was to get busy with something new.^[11] So, cooking it was. 

I found myself tasting dishes with names I couldn’t spell, watching her transform her heartbreak into something tangible and nourishing. Each new recipe brought a spark back to her, a little more life with every bite. I really believed she had this whole heartbreak thing completely figured out.

Making Sense of It All

I was ready to write down her story, turn it into a bestselling guide to heartbreak recovery, and make millions helping people fix their broken hearts. That is, until I found her lying on the floor, crying her eyes out months later.

There are no shortcuts in life, and heartbreak isn’t linear. The time your body and mind need to process such a drastic change cannot be rushed or fooled by even the best scientific strategies. They help — of course they do — but there’s no fast-forward button for emotional healing. It will take as much time as it needs, and you have to honor that.

This is what I told Francesca as she lay there, finally willing to hear my perspective for the first time. I congratulated her on everything she had done — her efforts, her resilience, and her determination to heal. I assured her she had done everything she could, exactly how she could, and she was doing great. 

But as I reminded her, it’s not the rational brain that decides when healing is complete; it’s the broken heart. And the heart needs its own time.

Your Next Steps

The real lesson here? You do you. Use strategies, apply all the tools science has to offer, but don’t forget that your emotional pain isn’t a machine you can fix on a schedule. There’s beauty in healing — there’s growth, there are setbacks, and there’s a raw humanness to it all.

That being said, Francesca’s heroic determination left me with some invaluable lessons. Here are the key science-driven strategies to take away:

• Grieve your losses. Allow yourself to feel and process the pain. It’s an essential step toward emotional healing. When the feeling arises, just stay where you are. Don’t reach for the phone, don’t watch a show. Just literally sit with the pain and observe it. It may feel unbearable now, but it’ll pass. 
• Love yourself. Practicing self-compassion helps release oxytocin and opiates, chemicals that soothe and comfort. Be kind to yourself, journal about your feelings, and treat yourself like you would a loved one.
• Out of sight, out of mind. Avoid reminders of your ex by blocking his social media and removing triggers. Suppressing unwanted memories helps reduce their emotional impact.
• Lean on your girls (and boys): A strong support network reduces stress and improves mental health post-breakup. Meaningful conversations with friends and loved ones are key.
• Shake it off. Exercise boosts endorphins and dopamine, reducing sadness and anxiety. Even a simple walk or morning jog can make a huge difference.
• Get busy with something. Taking up new hobbies distracts from rumination and fosters positive emotions. Pursuing interests like cooking can spark joy and create a sense of progress.

Our guides to ending a relationship have more resources to help you move on from a breakup and into the next chapter of your life. 

Other helpful reads: 

• What Is Closure in a Relationship and How to Get It
• How to Get Over a Breakup and Move On With Your Life
• Let It Go: How to Detach From Someone and Move On With Your Life
• Can a Breakup Be Good for a Relationship? How to Know When It’s Time to Take a Break
• 10 Signs Your Relationship Is Over (or Needs a Serious Fix)
• 100 Questions to Ask Your Ex: Navigating a Breakup Chat

FAQs

References

1. Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L., Aron, A., Strong, G., & Mashek, D. (2010). Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 104(1), 51–60. https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.00784.2009

2. Langeslag, S. J. E., & Sanchez, M. E. (2018). Down-regulation of love feelings after a romantic break-up: Self-report and electrophysiological data. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 147(5), 720–733. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000360

3. Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L., Aron, A., Strong, G., & Mashek, D. (2010). Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 104(1), 51–60. https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.00784.2009

4. Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan.

5. Kessler, D. (2019). Finding meaning: The sixth stage of grief. Scribner.

6. Cha, J. E., Boggiss, A. L., Serlachius, A. S., Cavadino, A., Kirby, J. N., & Condesine, N. S. (2022). A systematic review on mediation studies of self-compassion and physical health outcomes in non-clinical adult populations. Mindfulness, 13, 1876–1900.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-022-01935-2

7. Marshall, T. C. (2012). Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners: Associations with postbreakup recovery and personal growth. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 15(10). https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2012.0125

8. Gagnepain, P., Henson, R. N., & Anderson, M. C. (2014). Suppressing unwanted memories reduces their unconscious influence via targeted cortical inhibition. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 111(13), E1310–E1319. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1311468111

9. Kawachi, I., & Berkman, L. F. (2001). Social ties and mental health. Journal of Urban Health, 78(3), 458–467. https://doi.org/10.1093/jurban/78.3.458

10. Weir, K. (2011). The exercise effect. Monitor on Psychology, 42(11).
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/12/exercise

11. Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (2000). The role of rumination in depressive disorders and mixed anxiety/depressive symptoms. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 109(3), 504–511.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.109.3.504

12. Seligman, M. E., Steen, T. A., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. The American Psychologist, 60(5), 410–421. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.60.5.410