This Is How You Heal Depression After a Breakup

(No events have been altered to protect anybody’s identity. It’s all a 100% true story.)

This moment has been carved into the deep tissue of my brain. We were in the heart of the pandemic lockdown when, in the middle of the first episode of Space Force, my boyfriend of five years turned to me and said, “I can’t do this anymore.”

I assumed it was a tense patch — work stress, global chaos, anything but the end of us. Then he packed his bags and walked out, never to be seen again.

So, at 31, in the thick of isolation, I was grieving a loss I never saw coming, with no one to see and nowhere to go. And so I sat with my emotions, not out of choice, but because I had no choice. 

Through this experience, I got to know post-breakup depression intimately.

Why Depression Follows a Breakup

If you’ve ever watched Death Becomes Her, you may remember the scene when Goldie Hawn is shot through the torso with a shotgun. That’s exactly how I felt, just that in my case, the blast was aimed right at my heart. The pain was unimaginable.

After the initial shock and weeks of crying, I settled deeply into numbness. It was depression, unfolding in layers, shaped by a mix of emotional and biological forces.

• Sudden loss of emotional attachment. What we perceive as love is actually a neurological bond. When that bond is severed, it leaves behind an absence that the brain interprets as a loss, triggering a grief response similar to mourning a death.
• The body’s physiological response to loss. The sudden drop in dopamine and serotonin — neurotransmitters that regulate mood and motivation — can lead to feelings of deep sadness, lethargy, and emotional numbness.
• Erosion of self-worth. The unexpected loss of validation and rejection from someone to whom you’ve opened up and trusted can magnify existing insecurities, increasing vulnerability to depressive episodes and prolonging emotional distress.
• Resurfacing of unresolved wounds. If past abandonment, betrayal, or neglect were never fully processed, a breakup can bring those emotions rushing back. 
• Isolation deepens the spiral. Depression thrives in loneliness, and breakups can make you feel cut off from the world. If your relationship was a major source of emotional connection, its absence can feel, well, depressive.

For me, it all felt like life was happening behind a glass door, and I was its passive spectator. But that was only one of the symptoms.

Symptoms of Post-Breakup Depression

There’s one very harmful misconception about depression that we need to address.

My life carried on — I worked, achieved, got promoted, went out, laughed. People thought I was okay because I didn’t seem sad. But being depressed doesn’t always mean under-functioning. Sometimes, you function so well that even you start to believe you’re fine. 

That is until you remember that nothing feels real, and nothing really matters.

So, forget about the stereotypical portrayal of depression. Read this list instead — it may give you a deeper understanding of what depression really looks like:

• Constant exhaustion. I wasn’t just tired, I was perpetually depleted. I woke up drained, no matter how much I slept. Everything felt like an effort. 
• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions. Even choosing a meal felt impossible. My mind was slow, my focus nonexistent. I was constantly overwhelmed by life itself.
• Loss of interest in daily activities. I neglected everything from my tennis practice to grocery shopping. I lived off takeaways and premade meals. Nothing felt worth doing anymore. I only showed up for things I was legally obligated to do.
• Changes in sleep and appetite. Some nights, I barely slept. On other nights, I crashed for 14 hours and still woke up exhausted. Food lost its taste — I either ate mindlessly or not at all.
• Withdrawal from social connections. I couldn’t bring myself to reply to messages. It took energy and enthusiasm I simply didn’t have. Even basic interactions felt draining, so I stopped showing up. It was easier to just disappear.
• Persistent feelings of worthlessness or guilt. My mind was ruthless. If you had done things differently, maybe he’d still be here. Depression feeds on self-blame, turning regret into a relentless loop of doubt.
• Intense or prolonged sadness that won’t lift. Some days, I felt nothing. Other days, grief hit me like a wave, drowning me in memories I didn’t want to recall.
• Thoughts of hopelessness or self-harm. The scariest part was feeling like I’d failed somehow, like nothing would ever get better. Hopelessness dominated my entire existence. 

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In this state, the mind convinces you that this numbness is your new reality, that nothing will ever matter again, that you’ll always feel this way. But depression is a master of distortion. It makes permanence out of passing states. The truth is that even the heaviest fog eventually lifts — but not by itself.

The Way Out of Depression

Most people try to heal depression in the most ineffective way. 

I heard a story on Tara Brach’s podcast that captures this perfectly. A woman collapsed due to a medical condition, and people, instinctively, rushed to lift her up — but she couldn’t get up, she wasn’t ready to stand. Then, one person did something different. Instead of lifting her, they lay down beside her, meeting her where she was until she was ready to rise on her own.

This is what healing from depression requires. Not forcing yourself to “snap out of it,” not trying to bypass the pain, not letting others rush you into feeling better. 

The only way out is through. 

Real healing starts here.

• Sit with the pain before you try to escape it. I know this advice sounds as appealing as putting your hand into the fire, but trust me — it’s the only way (unless you want to find yourself in the same place again in a few years). It will feel overwhelming at first, but start with just 10 minutes a day of sitting with your emotions. Over time, you’ll be able to sit longer, and the intensity of the pain will lessen.
• Move your emotions. Emotions are energy — they need a way out. (Think it’s woo-woo? Then why do you scream when you’re mad?) Try Yin Yoga, shake your arms, stomp your feet, or do a few slow stretches. I, for instance, love shouting into a pillow when anger won’t leave my body. And of course, there’s crying. 
• Be deliberately kind to yourself. If beating yourself up worked, it would have by now. Instead of spiraling into self-criticism, write down in a journal one harsh thought and reframe it as if you were comforting a friend.
• Remove the emotional triggers. Checking his profile won’t give you closure — it just reopens the wound. Block, mute, archive — whatever it takes to stop feeding the addiction. Not ready for that? Tell yourself it’s just for 30 days.
• Ground yourself in nature. You don’t need to go on a four-hour hike — just step outside. Walk aimlessly, touch a tree, feel the air. If that’s too much, sit on a bench and let the world move around you. Nature anchors you in the present, pulling you away from chronic overthinking.
• Find refuge in creativity. Draw, scribble, get one of those adult coloring books. Buy Play-Doh, or stack Legos. For example, I did jigsaw puzzles and photo shoot-style makeup. Creativity is your friend. It helps release emotions and brings you back to the present.
• Find one person you can be real with. For me it was my therapist, but anyone who won’t tell you to just “move on” will do. If talking feels like too much, sit in the same room as someone. Your only job is to be honest about what and how you feel. No putting on masks. No pretending everything is fine. Let that one person witness your pain.

It took me two years to get out of the darkness. Two very sad, very lonely years. But one day, I realized I got excited about something. I don’t even remember what it was, but I remember the feeling. I was looking forward to something. And for the first time in what felt like forever, I wanted to live again. 

But I know those who stayed in the dark, and their stories are not as uplifting.

Impact of Untreated Depression

My friend experienced a similar heartbreak shortly after me, but she took a different approach. 

She immediately started numbing her pain with all sorts of substances. She distracted herself and acted like she was fine. At some point, I even envied her — she seemed to have moved on so easily. But years passed, and she’s still stuck. The depression never left; it just seeped into other areas of her life.

Following in her footsteps can take you down a rabbit hole of dysfunction:

• Become dependent on antidepressants. Medication can stabilize you at first, and there’s no shame in taking antidepressants, but it won’t heal the grief. Relying on mood stabilizers too long can make it harder to remember how to feel good on your own.
• Stay frozen in time. Life moves forward, but you remain stuck in the past, stuck in a loop of what-ifs and if-onlys, emotionally tethered and unable to fully engage with the present or envision a future beyond it.
• Become a Debbie Downer. My friend took a personality test at work and was stunned when it labeled her as negative. I wasn’t as shocked. She had been carrying her sadness for so long that it became part of her presence.
• End up in a cycle of dead-end relationships. Unresolved pain doesn’t just sit quietly — it shapes who you’re drawn to. I listened to my friend talk about guys, and they were all “same same but different but still the same.” Variations of her ex, the one she never spoke about, like he was the boogeyman. 
• Struggle with suicidal thoughts. Depression convinces you it will always be this way, and that life has no meaning. Do not believe it! 

Need help? Call 988, or text HOME to 741741 (US & Canada)

Your Next Steps

Don’t judge yourself for where you are. Your brain is trying to process loss, and right now, it’s overwhelmed. The most important thing you can do is be on your own side.

Here’s what helped me:

• I stopped fighting myself. Instead of berating myself for feeling like this, I accepted it. It was grief. It was heartbreak. It was normal.
• I learned how to self-soothe. I found ways to regulate my nervous system — breathing techniques, grounding exercises, and warm baths.
• I surrounded myself with love. Not romance, but warmth — people who saw me, who didn’t rush me to “move on.” If you don’t have those people, find them. Online groups, therapy, even books that speak to you. You deserve love.

Wherever you are, keep going. You won’t feel like this forever — I promise.

FAQs

References

1. Krishnan, V., & Nestler, E. J. (2008). The molecular neurobiology of depression. Nature, 455(7215), 894–902.
https://doi.org/10.1038/nature07455

2. Vitti, A. (2013). WomanCode: Perfect your cycle, amplify your fertility, supercharge your sex drive, and become a power source. HarperOne.