Some people can live with the same person for years and still occasionally think, “Who is this person I married?”
My sister Jen did. After seven years of marriage, she realized she and her husband Mike had been sharing a house but not much else. She couldn’t remember the last time she had a real conversation with Mike that wasn’t about kids, bills, or what to watch on Netflix.
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Something had to be done.
After weeks of research and lots of coffee, I created the following set of questions to help her break through the daily grind and reconnect with the man she fell in love with.
Questions to Ask Your Husband
We all know healthy relationships aren’t just about big moments but also small conversations that build intimacy over time. As relationship expert Dr. John Gottman puts it in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “Every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay.”[1]
Fun Questions
Jen realized she and Mike hadn’t laughed together in weeks, so she decided to ambush him during a night out with a ridiculous question about superheroes that led to an hour-long debate and the most genuine belly laughs they’d shared in months. The silliest questions can spark the best conversations.
If you could have any superpower, what would it be, and how would you use it daily?What's the most embarrassing song you secretly love?If we could teleport anywhere for dinner tonight, where would we go?What's one ridiculous thing you've always wanted to try but haven't had the courage to?If you had to eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?What's the weirdest dream you've ever had?If we were in a zombie apocalypse, what would be your weapon of choice?What's your go-to dance move when nobody's watching?If you could instantly master any skill, what would you choose?Would you rather have the ability to talk to animals or speak every human language?What's the most useless talent you have?If we switched bodies for a day, what would you do first?What childhood toy do you wish you still had?If you could be a character in any movie, who would you be?What's the silliest thing you've ever done to impress someone?If you had your own talk show, who would be your first guest?What's the most random Wikipedia rabbit hole you've ever fallen down?
That night of laughter led Jen and Mike to start a weekly “fun question night” tradition. But sharing a light-hearted moment, while good, didn’t fill the hole in Jen’s heart that yearned for the type of love they shared when they first met.
Romantic Questions
When Jen and Mike celebrated their eighth anniversary, she slipped a handwritten note across the table asking, “When did you first know you loved me?”
His answer surprised her in the most delightful way—it wasn’t the grand moment she expected but a tiny, ordinary weekday when she’d been sick and grumpy.
It’s questions like these that help recreate that magic.
What moment made you realize you wanted to marry me?What's your favorite memory of our wedding day?What small thing do I do that still makes you smile?If we could relive any day of our relationship, which would you choose?What song always makes you think of me?What's the best date we've ever had?What's something I do that makes you feel loved?How do you envision us celebrating our 25th anniversary?What's a romantic gesture you've always wanted to try but haven't yet?What's your favorite physical feature of mine?What was going through your mind on our first date?What's something about our relationship that surprised you?What's the most romantic movie scene that reminds you of us?What small moment between us do you cherish that I might not know about?If we could renew our vows, where would you want to do it?
After their romantic dinner, Jen discovered something fascinating — talking about love actually created more of it. But she still wondered about Mike’s inner world.
Personal Questions
“I thought I knew everything about Mike until I asked him about his childhood dreams,” Jen told me. “Turns out my accountant husband once wanted to be a marine biologist because of his obsession with ‘Free Willy.’ How did I not know this after almost a decade together?”
The most basic questions can reveal surprising answers.
What were you like as a child that might surprise me?What's something you've always wanted to learn but haven't gotten around to yet?What's a goal of yours you've never told me about?What are you most proud of about yourself that has nothing to do with work or family?What habit do you wish you could break?What habit do you wish you could develop?If you could go back and give your teenage self advice, what would you say?What's something you've changed your mind about in recent years?What do you consider your greatest strength that most people don't notice?What's something you wish more people understood about you?What's a fear you've overcome that you're proud of?If you didn't have to worry about money, what would you do with your time?What memory from your childhood has had the biggest impact on who you are today?What's your idea of perfect relaxation?What's something you're curious about but haven't explored yet?What's something you've read or watched recently that made you think differently?What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?
As Jen discovered more about Mike’s inner world, she realized there was an even deeper layer to explore.
Deep Questions
The night Jen casually asked Mike what he thought happens after we die, they ended up talking until 2 a.m. like they were college students again.
Deep questions tap into existential intelligence—the capacity to tackle deep questions about human existence. These conversations can foster profound bonds that go beyond everyday life.
What do you think is the meaning of life?How has your idea of success changed over the years?What do you think happens after we die?If you could solve one world problem, what would it be?What's a belief you hold that most people might disagree with?How do you think technology is changing what it means to be human?What book or movie has changed your worldview the most?What do you think future generations will find most disturbing about our current society?What is something you believe that you can't prove?If you could know the absolute truth to one question, what would you ask?What's something you think society takes for granted?What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?What historical period would you most like to have lived in and why?Do you think humans are inherently good or do we need rules to be good?What's a moral dilemma you've faced that was difficult to resolve?What's something you've changed your mind about as you've gotten older?
After their late-night philosophical discussion, Jen noticed a new spark between them. Which reminded her that deep thinking wasn’t the only kind of depth worth exploring. Sometimes a little physical connection needs some verbal kindling too.
Sexy Questions
“Let’s just say,” Jen teased with a wink, “that asking Mike about his fantasies led to the best Thursday night we’d had in years. Who knew a simple question could break a bedroom dry spell?”
What's something I do that drives you wild?What's a fantasy you've had but never told me about?Where is the most adventurous place you'd like to make love?What's something new you'd like to try in the bedroom?If we had a night with absolutely no restrictions or inhibitions, what would you want to do?What outfit would you love to see me in?What's your favorite memory of us being intimate together?What do I do that makes you feel most desired?How can I let you know I'm in the mood in a way that excites you?What part of my body is your favorite?Is there something you've seen in a movie that you'd like to try?What's a time when our physical connection felt most passionate to you?What word or phrase would you like me to say more often during intimate moments?What type of foreplay do you most enjoy?What's something you'd like more of in our sex life?
After rekindling their physical connection, Jen realized some other serious conversations were overdue too.
Serious Questions
Jen and Mike had been avoiding a conversation about a possible move until she finally asked point-blank over Sunday coffee. “Where do you actually see us living in five years?” It was uncomfortable at first but ultimately led to the clarity they both desperately needed.
When you address challenging topics, it can help resolve underlying issues, preventing them from escalating into larger conflicts.
Where do you see us in five years? Ten years?What's your biggest concern about our future?How do you feel about our financial situation and goals?What's one thing about our relationship you think we could improve?How do you feel about how we divide household responsibilities?Do you think we handle conflict well? How could we do better?What do you need from me that you're not getting right now?What values are most important to you in raising our children/future children?What's a stress in your life that I might not fully understand?Do you feel supported in your personal goals and ambitions?How do you feel about the amount of time we spend together versus apart?What's something about our relationship that worries you?How do you define success for our family?What's something difficult you've been wanting to tell me?How can I better support you when you're struggling?
After their serious heart-to-heart, Jen and Mike felt more like a team again. But sometimes the best connections come from the most unexpected questions. You know, the kind that seem to come out of nowhere.
Expert insight: Psychologists Feeney and Lemay suggest that engaging in intimate or meaningful conversations contributes to emotional capital, which they describe as “the accumulated stock of ‘relationship wealth’ made up of a set of positive, shared emotional experiences.”[2]
Random Questions
It was a totally ordinary Tuesday when Jen asked Mike, “If you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be?” His answer (his grandfather, who died before they met) led to stories she’d never heard and a side of him she’d never seen.
Seemingly random questions often reveal the most surprising insights.
If you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who would you choose?What's a completely useless skill you'd still like to master?If our life was a movie, what genre would it be?What's the strangest thing you believe in?If we each had our own theme song, what would they be?What's a weird fact you know that most people don't?If we got a surprise week off and unlimited funds, where would we go?What three items would you grab if our house was on fire (assuming people and pets are safe)?What's the most beautiful place you've ever seen?If you had to lose one of your five senses, which would you choose?What's a conspiracy theory that you secretly think might be true?If you could be famous for one thing, what would you want it to be?Do you prefer to sing in the shower or in the car?What fictional character do you think would be your best friend in real life?If humans on Earth discovered aliens, would we eat them or befriend them?
After months of questions, Jen told me that she and Mike felt like they were dating again — but with the comfort and security of their years together.
Your Next Steps
The beauty of these questions is that they don’t require special planning or perfect timing—they work just as well over a fancy dinner as they do while folding laundry together.
Try starting with one question a day, perhaps at dinner or before bed. You might be surprised how a simple “If we could teleport anywhere for dinner tonight, where would we go?” can transform an ordinary evening into something memorable.
For deeper questions, create some intentional space—maybe a weekend drive or a walk without phones. The key is making your husband feel that this isn’t an interrogation but an invitation to connect.
As for Jen and Mike, six months after she started intentionally asking these questions, she told me, “We’re having conversations we haven’t had since we were dating, except now they’re even better because there’s history behind them.”
So which question will you ask first?
See our guides to being in a relationship for more tips and tricks to building a lasting bond.
Here are more resources to help you build a lasting bond with your husband:
- 160 Good Morning Messages for Him to Start the Day Right
- Find the Perfect I Miss You Text for Him: 120 Long-Distance Messages & Quotes
- Ways to Say “I Love You”
- Reasons to Love Someone: What Makes Love Deep and Genuine
- Send Love Letters to Him: Awaken Your Inner Poet or Simply Copy and Paste
- How to Turn a Man On: The Ultimate Guide for the Blissfully Clueless
FAQs
Can open questions help improve communication in a long-term relationship?
Yes, open questions can improve communication in long-term relationships. They encourage your partner to share thoughts and feelings beyond simple yes/no answers. Open questions show you’re genuinely interested in understanding your partner better, which builds trust and intimacy.
What should I do if my partner is reluctant to answer certain questions?
If your partner seems reluctant to answer certain questions, respect their boundaries and don’t push. Try asking at a different time when they’re more relaxed, or start with lighter topics first. Remember that building trust takes time, and some people need space before opening up about sensitive subjects.
What are some signs that my partner might not be ready for deep conversations?
Signs your partner isn’t ready for deep conversations include changing the subject, giving short answers, checking their phone, or seeming uncomfortable. If you notice these signs, it’s best to try again later. Consistently avoiding deep conversations could be a sign of emotional unavailability. Encourage their emotions and create a safe space for them to open up.
References
1. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
2. Feeney, B. C., & Lemay Jr, E. P. (2012). Surviving relationship threats: The role of emotional capital. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(8), 1004–1017.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212442971
