Why Focusing on Winning Her Love Back Misses What Matters
Most “win her back” articles focus on manipulative tricks that feel outdated, as if they were written by ’80s dating coaches or, honestly, AI. But if you ask women what they want, they will tell you.
These 10 strategies come from the only source that matters — women themselves — so you can focus on rebuilding your connection.
Table of Contents
A Closer Look: Taking Love Apart
Imagine your coffee machine suddenly stops working.
No matter how many buttons you push, it just won’t give you your favorite morning brew. What do you do? Stand in front of it, offering flowers or whispering sweet nothings, hoping it miraculously starts brewing again? Curse it out until it acquiesces? Or do you take it apart to figure out what’s wrong?
Is it clogged? Overworked? Disappointed? Maybe even a little . . . lonely? Okay, maybe I’m not talking about your coffee machine anymore. Maybe it’s about your wife.
If she seems disconnected, trying to “get her to love you again” without addressing the root of the problem is like expecting that machine to make your coffee without ensuring it has everything it needs — power, water, beans, a good healthy . . . flushing — to give you the perfect brew you’ve grown so used to.
Whatever it is, unless you take a closer look at why your “machine” isn’t happy, you won’t know how to bring back that loving feeling.
Putting Love Back Together Again
If you were to look at love under a microscope, what would you see?
Nothing, of course. You wouldn’t see anything because love is not an item. And yet in our culture, love is treated as a commodity, something to be won, lost, or traded.
But love is a verb, it’s a process, a complex reaction.
To make sense of this, I’d like to borrow an idea from Dr. Gary Chapman: the concept of the “love tank” — an emotional reservoir we all carry. Each time we express genuine care and affection, we add to the tank of our partner. But criticism or indifference drains it.
If you feel like your wife’s love isn’t the same, it’s likely because her love tank is empty. Now, what can you do to fill it up?
Expert insight: “Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her.”[1]
Make her feel seen.
But you do see her. Right? You thank her for everything she does. You appreciate her. Surely that’s enough?
“His appreciation was always surface-level, mechanical,” says Emma, 34. He’d say thank you, but his actions made her feel invisible — ordering pizza despite her lactose intolerance, insisting on big family dinners even though they exhausted her. She made small adjustments for him but he never seemed to do the same.
Over time, the lack of recognition wore her down, and she stopped hoping he would ever understand her needs. So, she emotionally checked out.
And by the time you notice her pulling away, she’s already been retreating for months.
Did you know? Feeling seen isn’t just a catchy phrase. Research shows that genuine recognition and validation can weaken internalized shame, foster empathy, reinforce self-worth, and ultimately empower resilience — leading to healthier, more supportive emotional connections.[2]
So, if you’ve been coasting, it’s time to level up.
Step up your game.
Your phone buzzes: “5 years ago today.” There you both are, laughing at a charming restaurant in Italy. Looking at her smile in that photo, you wonder . . . When did she stop looking at you that way?
“He’s been wearing the same buzz cut for years,” Emma said once. “And, you know, he’s not exactly Michael B. Jordan.”
While Emma dedicated herself to personal growth, fitness, mindfulness, and therapy, her husband stayed stuck in the same routines. He brushed off her suggestions to try something new, whether it was exercises to strengthen their relationship or even just dressing up for her. “It’s all about effort, but what effort has there been from his side?”
That summed it up: complacency. Emma felt like she was evolving into a better version of herself, while he seemed content to stay in neutral.
It’s hard to feel connected to someone who won’t grow with you.
Still, you can change your attitude, your routines, even your look, but none of it will matter if you’re a closed book.
Open up.
You never wanted to burden her with your worries, right?
And when she asked you — time and time again — to let her into your emotional world, you retreated like a clam snapping shut, right back under your shell.
Listen, I get it. Men are told to be tough, to handle things alone, to man up. I see you. But while you’ve been trying to protect her — and yourself — from vulnerability, the walls you’ve built to keep things in have only created distance.
You can’t build a real partnership without an emotional connection. When she feels shut out of your world, she starts to believe she doesn’t belong in it.
Did you know? Studies found that men tend to score slightly higher in alexithymia — a term that describes difficulty in identifying and expressing emotions — than women. This pattern, often observed in traditionally reared men, supports the “Normative Male Alexithymia” hypothesis, which suggests that societal expectations around masculinity encourage emotional restriction.[3]
If you want to save your marriage, it’s time to break the silence — and not just about your emotional world.
Don’t just talk — communicate.
There’s a difference between talking and communicating. Do you know it?
Emma often felt stuck in one-sided conversations. “He’d nod or say ‘okay,’ but nothing ever changed. I wanted us to actually communicate, not just exchange words.”
She wanted to feel heard, but he never truly engaged. He didn’t ask questions, didn’t reflect back what she was saying, and didn’t open up about himself. Over time, she gave up on trying to share her thoughts and feelings with him, and their conversations turned into basic logistics — bills, schedules, and chores.
Her husband was blindsided when he received divorce papers, but to anyone who had ever spoken to Emma, it was the only natural consequence.
Without real communication — where both people listen and share openly — love cannot exist.
Failing to fix how you communicate will slowly unravel what’s left of your relationship. But don’t expect one heartfelt conversation to turn things around.
Show up consistently.
Just like you can’t hit the gym once and expect to build a six-pack, you can’t rebuild love with one grand gesture.
“He’d try for a few days after a fight,” Emma said, “but then he’d go right back to the way things were.” For her, the inconsistency was worse than no effort at all. It gave her hope that things would finally change, only to crush that hope when he slipped back into old habits.
Showing up consistently means proving, through your actions, that you care — not just when things are falling apart, but when they’re going well, too. It’s the small, daily efforts that matter: listening when she talks, engaging with her feelings, and following through on promises, even when it’s inconvenient.
Love isn’t restored overnight. It’s rebuilt moment by moment, one consistent effort at a time. And that consistency lays the groundwork for something deeper — intimacy.
Make intimacy a safe space.
Remember when every touch felt electric? When a simple brush of hands could make her heart race? That spark doesn’t have to die — but it needs more than routine.
“It wasn’t just that intimacy felt like a transaction,” Emma confided. “It always revolved around him — his timing, his preferences, his release. I never felt like I had space to explore what I liked.” She wanted intimacy to be more than just the act itself.
She wanted slow moments of anticipation, playful discoveries, and the safety to say let’s try this without worrying about being dismissed or made to feel silly. But when she hinted at something new, he was never truly into it — going through the motions without real enthusiasm, making her feel like her desires didn’t matter.
Physical intimacy, when done right, can make a woman feel cherished, beautiful, and loved. When intimacy becomes one-sided or mechanical, it creates an emotional gulf that grows wider with each passing day.
Over time, intimacy stopped feeling like something they shared and started feeling like something she endured.
Did you know? Rather than being purely spontaneous (as it can be for many men), women’s desire is often responsive, and this becomes even more true with age. That means arousal doesn’t just appear — it needs a spark. Instead of expecting her to be in the mood the moment you are, focus on turning her on by flirting with her, teasing her, or touching her.
The physical distance between Emma and her husband was a reflection of the emotional separation that had been growing for years, rooted in all the moments he stopped making her feel special.
Don’t forget the romance.
When you think about your wife being a princess, is it adoration — or an insult?
For Emma, in the beginning, her husband called her “my princess.” He treated her like she was the center of his world, going out of his way to make her feel special. He planned surprise dates and held her hand like he never wanted to let go.
But over time, something changed. “Princess” became a complaint, a word he used with frustration when talking about meeting her needs or wants. “You’re such a princess,” he would say. She missed the feeling of his hand on the small of her back, the way they used to dance in the kitchen.
Romance doesn’t require extravagant, expensive displays — it’s about romanticizing your partner and the life you’ve built together. It’s what makes your spouse more than a roommate.
If you stop feeding it with love, care, and admiration, it will dim, and her love — once vibrant and glowing — might not shine the same again.
Did you know? Researchers found that couples who idealized each other tended to report higher levels of satisfaction and longer-lasting relationships. The idea is that these “positive illusions” create a self-fulfilling prophecy: When you treat someone as though they’re wonderful, they’re more likely to act that way, reinforcing the bond between you.[4]
And trust me, there’s no better way to extinguish the glow of romance than letting her bear the mental load all by herself.
Do your part.
Doing the chore is one thing; remembering it needs to be done is another.
“I worked two jobs. Project Manager from 9 to 5, then the CEO of the household on top of that,” Emma explained. “He’d do the tasks if I asked, but I was the one carrying the weight of remembering.”
“Just tell me how I can help you” might sound thoughtful, but for many women, it’s a love killer. It shifts the mental load of managing a household onto her. The same goes for the responsibility of the state of your marriage.
In a true partnership, nobody’s waiting to be asked. As Emma said, “I didn’t want a helper. I wanted a partner — someone who’d say, ‘I’ve got this,’ and follow through.”
When you share the load, you’re not just showing up as a partner — you’re freeing her to focus on the parts of herself she’s had to set aside.
Believe in her.
When was the last time you asked your wife about her dreams instead of explaining why they won’t work?
Emma told me, “He shrugged and said, ‘You want to lose all your savings on that.’” She had shared her long-time dream of opening her own bakery, a vision she’d nurtured for years. Her friends had been encouraging, cheering her on and reminding her of her talent.
But her husband’s response planted fear and doubt in her. No follow-up questions, no curiosity about her plans. Just a comment that left her feeling deflated.
Your partner is supposed to be the person you trust the most, the one who champions your dreams and stands by your side when the world casts doubt.
Lack of belief turns love into loneliness. Instead of being a source of strength, the relationship becomes another obstacle to overcome, another place where she has to prove herself. And when someone feels like they’re carrying their dreams — and their relationship — on their own, resentment replaces love.
If you find it hard to believe in her because her dreams intimidate you or make you question your own worth, it may be a sign that you’re grappling with your own insecurities.
Get help.
Getting her to love you often starts with showing love to yourself, even in ways you might shrink from (no pun intended).
“I begged him to get help,” Emma said, her voice cracking under the weight of frustration and heartbreak. “I cried, I yelled, I made ultimatums — anything to get him to see what was happening to us. He refused to do the work.”
She urged her husband to talk to someone, to work on the issues that were driving them apart. But every plea was met with resistance, excuses, or indifference. “What choice did I have?” she asked. “How can you keep loving someone who won’t even love himself enough to grow?”
Her decision to leave was born from sheer despair. She had spent so long carrying the weight of their relationship on her shoulders, trying to compensate for his refusal to invest in himself or their future together. Eventually, she realized she couldn’t do it anymore.
A lack of self-love creates a vacuum that no amount of external love can fill. If you don’t believe in your own worth enough to evolve, how can someone else continue to believe in the relationship? Growth is the foundation of lasting love.
Love isn’t something you win once and put on a shelf like a trophy. It requires constant tending and mending, effort and introspection, and a willingness to meet each other halfway.
So, where do you go from here?
Your Next Steps
(If you scrolled through the above to get to this section directly, this may be part of the problem.)
After hearing Emma’s perspective — how her love slowly faded as her needs went unmet — you probably have a clearer idea of which areas in your marriage need improvement.
If you’re ready to turn things around, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work — your wife’s love tank isn’t going to fill itself.
- Read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. There’s no better guidebook to love than that, hands down. It’s available as an audiobook, so you can listen on the way to work, but it also includes plenty of exercises, so I recommend getting a physical copy.
- Love her. One of the best ways to receive love is to give it. Learn some ways women like to be loved and do them.
- Ask and actually listen. Start a conversation with: “What’s something you’ve been feeling or thinking about that I might not fully understand?” Listen without interrupting or offering solutions.
- Start a gratitude log. Each day, write down one thing she did or a quality of hers that you’re grateful for and tell her directly. For example: “I really appreciate how you [specific action]. It means a lot to me.”
- Take a small step toward growth. Choose one personal improvement today, like reading an article about mending a marriage or doing an activity you’ve been putting off for ages. Share your progress with her to show effort.
- Share something you’ve been holding back. Pick a small personal anecdote or worry you haven’t shared and tell her: “I wanted to let you in on something I’ve been feeling about [specific topic].”
- Commit to a daily check-in. Set a reminder to ask her once a day: “How’s your day going?” or “What’s on your mind?” Use it as a moment to connect and show you care.
- Create a relaxing moment together. Suggest a quiet activity like a walk or board game. Focus on being present rather than distracted by your phone or other tasks.
- Bring back romance. Leave her a note, bring her flowers, or do something you used to do that reminds her she’s a woman and not a grocery procurer.
- Own a household task. Pick one recurring task, like meal planning or laundry, and take it over completely.
- Support her dreams with action. Ask her: “What’s one thing I can do to help you move closer to your goals?” Then follow through, whether it’s researching something or handling logistics.
These actions may seem small or even awkward at first, but they’re steps that matter if you want to save your marriage. Focus on the ones that feel meaningful to you, even if they push you slightly out of your comfort zone while still feeling manageable.
Rebuilding love is a series of consistent actions over time. Keep showing up, and the results will follow.
Visit our guides to being in a relationship for more insights into how to treat a woman and maximize the potential of your relationship
FAQs
Do walk-away wives ever return?
Walk-away wives sometimes return if they see consistent effort, accountability, and meaningful change. Rebuilding trust and addressing unmet emotional needs are critical. The process takes time, and the wife must believe in the potential for a healthier, more fulfilling relationship before considering reconciliation.
How do you tell if your wife still loves you?
You can tell your wife still loves you by observing signs like her willingness to communicate, showing concern for your well-being, or making small efforts to connect. Emotional distance may indicate issues, but love can persist even when it feels hidden beneath frustration or resentment.
What can you say to get your wife back?
To get your wife back, start with an honest apology acknowledging how your actions hurt her. Express a commitment to change, such as, “I see where I went wrong, and I want to work on rebuilding our relationship.” Avoid blame and focus on accountability and growth.
References
1. Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 habits of highly effective people: Powerful lessons in personal change. Free Press.
2. Geller, J., Fernandes, A., Srikameswaran, S., Pullmer, R., & Marshall, S. (2021). The power of feeling seen: Perspectives of individuals with eating disorders on receiving validation. Journal of Eating Disorders, 9, 149.
https://doi.org/10.1186/s40337-021-00500-x
3. Levant, R. F., Hall, R. J., Williams, C. M., & Hasan, N. T. (2009). Gender differences in alexithymia. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 10(3), 190–203.
https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015652
4. Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(1), 79–98.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70.1.79