Dating after divorce may seem daunting initially. The truth, however, is that you’re making a comeback like a phoenix rising from the ashes.
It’s an opportunity to start fresh! But the question remains: When should you start dating again, and how should you do it?
Table of Contents
Key Takeaways
- There’s no set time frame for dating again after divorce.
- It’s best to wait until after the divorce has been finalized and you’re emotionally ready.
- Connect with friends, engage in your hobbies and interests, or attend special events to meet potential partners.
- By setting proper expectations and remaining objective, dating after divorce can be a positive experience.
- When you do start dating, take things slow and give yourself grace to just have a good time and enjoy this new chapter of your life.
When Should You Start Dating After Divorce?
Divorced dating doesn’t come with an owner’s manual. Luckily, you don’t need one. To decide if you should start dating or wait awhile, you just need to tick a few boxes.
When the emotional turmoil has healed
It probably isn’t a good idea to start lining up dates if you are still angry or hurt from your ordeal. Dating while you’re still emotionally raw from any breakup, but especially a divorce, is like trying to build a fire in the rain. Sure, you might pull it off, but it’s not likely, and any spark you do get will fizzle out pretty quickly.
So, it’s important that you make sure there’s no longer any emotional charge associated with your divorce.
According to Dr. Mary K. Lawler, a family development specialist with Oklahoma State University, it’s important to grieve the loss of your marriage.
She reveals while there are numerous stages of emotional grieving, “the emotional intensity of this period usually reaches a peak within the first six months of separation.”[1]
However, Lawler cautions that it can take six months to two years for the emotional turmoil to subside, so it’s ok if six months have passed and you’re still not ready. Trust your instincts and listen to your gut. If you’re still overcome by feelings of embarrassment, guilt, or disbelief, you may want to wait a few more months before jumping into your next relationship.
When your divorce is finalized
The papers should be signed, the assets should be split, and he should be gone from your life forever (figuratively, if not literally). If you try dating anytime before meeting this criteria, you’ll likely carry that baggage into your future relationship.
Starting a new relationship while the stress of lawyers, divorce court, and legal battles occur in the background does not bode for an auspicious start. This drama would compromise your ability to enjoy the new emotions and experiences of the dating game.
To say nothing of the legal and financial complications of starting a new relationship before your last one is totally over.
Start dating again once your divorce is finalized and all that drama is in your rearview.
When You’re Sure You’re Ready
The deciding factor, above all else, on when to start dating again is when you’re ready — when you want to date, when you feel ready, you date. Trust your instincts.
If the separation is finalized and the emotional turmoil has healed, but you still need time, don’t force yourself to do it. You may experience pressure from external sources such as family, friends, and society. However, this is no one else’s choice but your own.
In fact, some women find the extra space and independence liberating for a while. For this reason, don’t feel obligated to start dating because of an arbitrary standard set by someone else. Enjoy your own company. When you find yourself seeking romantic companionship, you can go out into the world knowing you gave yourself space to heal and grow.
How to Start Dating After Divorce? 6 Simple Strategies to Consider
Dating after divorce can feel like you’re getting your teeth pulled. The cycle of going through different dating prospects (especially when they’re all turning out to be duds) can be exhausting. The good news? You have plenty of resources available that can make things easier.
1. Take it slow
You have to heal, clear your head, and rebuild your life after a separation. For this reason, take your time before returning to the dating world. Not only will this allow you to regain emotional stability, but when you date someone new, it will also give that fresh relationship a better chance of going the distance.
In fact, according to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, the faster you enter a relationship post-divorce, the less likely it is to last. Her research revealed that 93% of those who entered a new relationship only made it two months.[2]
So, wait until you’re emotionally ready to start dating again. And even when you feel prepared to take that step, it’s important to ease into it. A fun, low-pressure way to get started is through dating apps, such as Bumble, or even Tinder.
An in-depth analysis from the Pew Research Center revealed that online dating has become the most popular way prospective romantic partners connect today.[3]
There’s a dating app for everyone, every generation, religion, you name it. There’s one out there for you if you want to give it a try. It’s pretty low stakes. You don’t have to jump into a serious relationship right away. It’s not as if you’re going to remarry immediately, so just dip your toe into the dating pool gradually.
2. Know your boundaries
Going through a divorce — as painful as it is — builds experience. Through your blood, sweat, and tears, you’ve learned what is and isn’t acceptable to you in a relationship. In short, you’ve developed boundaries.
However, knowing what you want and expect is one thing, and communicating (and enforcing) it when necessary is another.
If you don’t communicate your boundaries, you can hardly expect him to respect them. Mistakes are acceptable, but violating your boundaries after you’ve repeatedly communicated them is not.
The groundbreaking book Set Boundaries, Find Peace describes relationships without clear boundaries as “dysfunctional, unreasonable, and hard to manage.”[4] A kindergarten class without rules and routines would be absolute chaos, as would a relationship without boundaries.
Lucky for you, half the work is done. You’ve been through a rocky relationship. You know what you need to do, so do it. Protect yourself.
3. Reflect on your marriage
It may be the last thing you want to do, but reflecting on your marriage is important. It can help you identify blind spots, errors in judgment, and other mistakes that can be corrected in the future.
This introspective work is liberating. But don’t worry; you don’t have to use Himalayan salt lamps for deep meditation during this reflection time.
Simple things like journaling or seeking therapy can help you gain clarity and get you back in the game!
In fact, researchers at Azad University have studied acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) on divorced women. They discovered that ACT improved cognitive regulation,
resilience, and self-control while reducing negative cognitive regulation in divorcées.[5]
Seeking therapy can be a great tool to dig at the root problem of your divorce, identify the red flags you might have missed, and pull that sucker out so it doesn’t rear its ugly head in your relationships again.
4. Meet new people
If you’re ready to date again but worried about everyone in your town or friend group knowing your relationship history — or your ex — it’s a good idea to get out and meet new people.
Dating apps have made meeting new people easier, but you don’t want to rely on them exclusively. As fun and easy as it is to just swipe right, they can be a bit impersonal.
The best way to meet new people is to get out and do stuff. Leave your house. That’s where the people are. That’s where the dating scene is.
Look for people who have interests similar to yours. Here are a few suggestions for finding people who float your boat:
- Explore hobbies and interests: If you’re into knitting, don’t just stay home alone with your knitting needles; take a class!
- Sign up for special events: Find your kindreds at charity events, conferences, trade shows, or workshops.
- Volunteer: If you’re looking for a dude who loves dogs, what better place to meet him than at your local animal shelter? Plus, dogs.
- Take a class: You know you have always wanted to know more about the French Revolution. Sign up for a class at the local community college. Most of your classmates might be a decade younger than you, but who cares? You’re a cougar now!
You’ll have a far better chance of meeting someone you connect with if you’re in an environment based on activities you love and enjoy. Getting lost in your hobbies and interests is the best (and probably the easiest) way to meet someone new.
5. Keep an open mind
Post-divorce dating offers a new opportunity to start over. For this reason, try to keep an open mind. Don’t be so quick to cast judgment or write off potential dating candidates because they don’t seem like “your type.”
Instead, reserve your judgments until you learn about their character, morals, and lifestyle. If they’re not your cup of tea, maybe you’ve gained a new friend, and if not, you learned about a new coffee shop you’d never been to before.
Keep an open mind about activities, as well. It’s so cliche to tell someone to step out of their comfort zone, and I’m not saying you need to do that. Be comfy! But try new things, explore the sides of yourself that have lain dormant all these years.
6. Have fun
You’ve gone through a challenging chapter. The great thing about chapters is that they end. You’re in a new chapter now. Choose to write a chapter filled with laughter, adventure, and fun.
Go out with your friends and do silly things, like ax throwing or an escape room. Play board games. Get a dog. Get one of those fancy giant bean-bag chairs. Live your best life.
Regardless of the stage you’re in, dating, love, and romance — and life! — are supposed to be fun. Create experiences that enrich your life. Allow them in. Get the most out of them and learn to enjoy the process.
The First Date After Divorce
The first date after divorce is the most intimidating, especially if you’ve been off the market for some time. The good news is that it does get progressively easier the more you put yourself out there. Here are a few simple tips that can help.
Set proper expectations
Dating after divorce, like anything else, is a process that takes time. It’s a Crock-Pot, not a microwave.
Expect to have some duds on your first few dates; it’s part of the process. Your dating journey may include a few awkward silences, boring conversations, and poorly timed kisses. That’s ok. Give yourself some grace here and realize it will get better as long as you remain open to the idea of finding that special someone.
If only you could push a button and have Mr. Right show up instantaneously — a girl can dream, right? Unfortunately, things don’t work that way in the real world. So, try to set healthy expectations about dating. It may take some time before you meet someone you truly connect with.
Making your way through these duds will help you recognize Mr. Right when it finally shows up in your life. And when he does, you and your new partner won’t have to navigate your unresolved issues.
Be objective
While the adrenaline of meeting someone you like can be exhilarating, it’s important to be objective when it comes to dating. After all, you know nothing about this guy. He could be charming and handsome at first but turn out to be a total narcissist later.
If that’s the case, you need to run — no matter how much he reminds you of George Clooney.
Of course, being objective also means not writing him off right away just because he wanted the first date at a Thai place and you don’t like Thai. He didn’t know that, Janet! Give him a chance.
Just go out and have a nice time. You don’t have to be looking for a relationship to have a nice time with someone new.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself
It’s easy to put a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself when it comes to dating. The stakes can seem high when you’re talking about finding a companion, your person, especially after divorce.
So, most importantly, try to see it as a fun and casual way to test your new normal. This simple paradigm shift takes the pressure off and allows you to breathe a little easier. It’s quite freeing to know that the world isn’t going to implode if you have a bad date.
Don’t be afraid to bounce
You’ve established what you’re looking for — and what you’re not.
If your date really sucks, there’s no contract saying you can’t cut it short. Arrive to the date with your list of nonnegotiables in the back of your mind, and if he violates any of them, simply say, “You know, I don’t think this was a good idea after all. Have a lovely evening.”
This is one reason why it’s a good idea to keep first dates casual, something you can leave easily. Don’t agree to seats at the ballet, where you might feel obligated to see it through. Just get coffee.
Of course, even if you can tell right away that you won’t be buying monogrammed towels with this person, you can still have a good night out with free seats at Swan Lake.
Conclusion
Dating after divorce may feel like an impossible task. However, it can be an exciting time to meet people and have fresh experiences.
To get the most out of it, wait until the drama has passed and you’re ready to move on. Know your boundaries, keep an open mind, and have some fun.
Your recently divorced dating life kicks off a new chapter in your life. I hope you enjoy turning the pages.
Want to know more about tips and advice in getting into a relationship? Check out the link!
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is it so hard to date after divorce?
It is so hard to date after divorce because of the grief of your marriage ending and the fact that you haven’t dated in a while. This can make dating feel foreign and awkward. But with time, you will regain your confidence in the dating world.
Do relationships after divorce last?
Most relationships after divorce don’t last simply because people rush into them without taking time to heal. It’s best to recover from the emotional pain of losing your marriage before starting to date again. This will give your new relationship a much better chance.
Is it better to stay single after divorce?
It is better to stay single after divorce if your emotions are still raw. Give yourself a grace period to rebuild your life, connect with friends you may have lost touch with, and pick up hobbies you may have let fall by the wayside.
References
1. K., Lawler, Mary. (2017, March). Transitioning through divorce: Grieving the lost marriage. Oklahoma State University. https://extension.okstate.edu/fact-sheets/transitioning-through-divorce-grieving-the-lost-marriage.html
2. Brumbaugh, C. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2015). Too fast, too soon? An empirical investigation into rebound relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(1), 99–118. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514525086
3. Volgels, E. A., & McClain, C. (2023, February 23). Key findings about online dating in the U.S. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s
4. Glover Tawwab, N. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.
5. Ghorbani Amir, H. A., Moradi, O., Arefi, M., & Ahmadian, H. (2019). The effectiveness of acceptance and commitment therapy on cognitive-emotional regulation, resilience, and self-control strategies in divorced women. Avicenna Journal of Neuro Psycho Physiology, 6(4), 195–202. http://dx.doi.org/10.32598/ajnpp.6.4.5
