Relationship Abuse

How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

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Table of Contents

Domestic violence dismantles a woman’s sense of self, autonomy, and hope. As a friend, you possess the most powerful weapon against this invisible oppression: strategic compassion.

Immediate help:

Table of Contents

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline:
    If you or someone you know is in danger or needs confidential support, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. You can also chat online at https://www.thehotline.org/. Advocates are available 24/7 to provide assistance, create safety plans, and connect you with resources.
  • Call 911: In the event of immediate danger of physical harm or death, do not hesitate to call 911 (or the appropriate emergency services number in your locale).

No matter how much you want to defend your friend, don’t confront the abuser directly. This could escalate the situation and put your friend in more danger. Abusers are masters of manipulation and often twist narratives or retaliate, leaving survivors of abuse even more vulnerable.

Avoid pressuring your friend to leave immediately, which may reinforce the dependency their abuser has created. Instead, focus on being a reliable, judgment-free confidant. Most importantly, don’t break their trust by sharing their story without consent — unauthorized disclosures can deepen their sense of vulnerability.


1. Create a safe, nonjudgmental space of trust

Supporting a friend who is in an abusive situation means completely unlearning everything you think you know about helping.

This type of support is particularly difficult because survivors of intimate partner violence (IPV) may feel trapped or ashamed. Pressuring them or showing frustration with their predicament can make them feel even more isolated. Abuse operates like a maze, where every exit is blocked and every path leads back to trauma.

Did you know? Young people between the ages of 18 and 25 are at a higher risk of IPV. In fact, some studies have observed IPV rates among adolescents and young people as high as 97%, and it’s one of the leading causes of death among women between the ages of 20 and 24.[1]


2. Recognize subtle abuse patterns

Domestic violence exists on a sophisticated spectrum far beyond physical violence. 

To recognize patterns of abuse, here are some warning signs to watch out for:

  • Financial control: Abusers often control money, limit job opportunities, or even restrict access to bank accounts. If someone is making it hard for your friend to access money, or if they control her spending and employment options, it could be a harbinger of abuse.
  • Emotional manipulation: Look out for subtle emotional tactics like gaslighting (making someone doubt their memory or sanity), constant criticism, or blame-shifting. Erratic mood swings, love bombing, and guilt-tripping are also types of emotional manipulation.
  • Jealousy and possessiveness: Extreme jealousy or possessiveness is another warning sign of abuse. An abuser might accuse their partner of cheating or overreact to harmless situations. This behavior often starts out subtle but escalates quickly.
  • Controlling behavior: An abusive partner will try to wield control over their victim, including who their friends are, where they go, what they wear, and more. 
  • Physical threats or aggression: Even if the abuse isn’t physical yet, any threats of harm or aggression should be taken seriously. 

Expert insight: All-male friendship networks may motivate men to abuse female partners, particularly in dating relationships. This influence comes from the reinforcement of group norms about “masculinity,” a broad, if flawed concept relating to the “sociocultural and psychological shaping, patterning, and evaluating of male behavior.”[2]


3. Develop a detailed safety plan

Your friend’s survival might depend on a plan so precise it reads like a military strategy. A safety plan isn’t a generic checklist but a personalized survival blueprint. Each plan must account for unique circumstances, potential escalation triggers, and available support networks.

  • Encourage her to document the abuse.
  • Pick two or three ways she can leave.
  • Help her choose one or two people she trusts and agree on a code word for emergencies. 
  • Hide cash or open a secret account. Even a little helps. 
  • Learn how to get a restraining order or legal help fast. 

Did you know? Every year more than 10 million adults in the United States experience abuse by their intimate or romantic partner. It can happen to anyone, and it’s never the victim’s fault.[3]


4. Understand the emotional complexities of IPV

Healing from abuse isn’t linear — it’s a multidimensional journey through complex psychological landscapes. Survivors experience a whole emotional ecosystem involving trauma bonding, Stockholm syndrome, and profound cognitive dissonance. Understanding these psychological mechanisms transforms your support from well-intentioned to strategically empathetic.


5. Use technology to your friend’s advantage rather than her detriment

A simple smartphone could either be the most dangerous weapon in an abuser’s arsenal or your friend’s strongest defense.

Abusers often use smartphones to isolate, monitor, and control their victims, turning every message, app, or call into a tool of manipulation. For survivors of abuse, the same device can be a lifeline, offering a way to document the abuse, access help, and regain a sense of autonomy.

  • Abusers can use tracking or location-sharing features to monitor their victim’s every move.
  • Abusers can send relentless texts or calls to harass, intimidate, or maintain control.
  • Abusers can post or threaten to post private photos or information as a form of blackmail.
  • Survivors can record conversations, take photos, or save threatening messages as evidence.
  • Survivors can use secure messaging apps and change passwords frequently to block unauthorized access.
  • Survivors can reach out to hotlines, shelters, or online forums for advice and immediate help.

Facts: It’s extremely likely that an abuser will use technology as a means of control and exploitation. In fact, a study of IPV advocates in Australia found that 98% of them had encountered victims of “technology-based abuse.” This can include cameras and other “smart” devices in the home, banking apps, and GPS technology.[4]


6. Know when to involve the authorities

When your friend is in an abusive relationship, knowing when to involve the authorities is not as black and white as you might think. One’s immediate, knee-jerk opinion is to involve the police right away. But your friend may not want this, and in some cases, it can make her situation worse.

On the other hand, waiting too long to act can put your friend’s life in greater danger. Abusers can become increasingly violent, and what starts as verbal or emotional abuse may escalate to physical harm.

Here are some critical signs it’s time to involve the authorities:

  • Direct threats to life: If the abuser has threatened to kill your friend, their children, or themselves, this is a red flag that immediate action is necessary.
  • Visible injuries or signs of assault: Bruises, cuts, or repeated “accidents” could indicate that the abuse is physical and escalating.
  • Access to weapons: If the abuser has weapons or has mentioned using them, your friend’s life is in immediate danger.
  • Isolation attempts: When the abuser cuts your friend off from family, friends, or financial resources, they may be setting the stage for more extreme violence.

Related read: Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence: How Addiction Affects Relationships


7. Protect your own emotional bandwidth

Supporting a survivor doesn’t mean becoming a martyr. Compassion fatigue is real, and supporting a friend through domestic violence requires strategic emotional management to prevent personal burnout and maintain sustainable support. 

To be an effective ally, you must also care for yourself.

Self-care corner: Sick of being told to meditate? You might want to reconsider. According to experts, even 5–10 minutes of meditation is extremely effective at reducing the effects of stress. In a study of nurses and workplace stress, 94% of the participants said mindfulness meditation “improved their ability to cope” and even applied the techniques they learned outside of work.[5]


Why Do Victims Stay in Abusive Relationships?

Every year, millions of women find themselves trapped in the suffocating grip of IPV while their loved ones look on, helpless, wondering why they won’t leave. IPV survivors who stay in abusive relationships do so for myriad reasons: 

  • Fear of what will happen if they leave: Abusers use threats of violence to keep them terrified, making escape feel impossible.
  • Economic dependency: Abusers control finances, leaving victims with no money, no job, and no way out.
  • Emotional manipulation: Abusers gaslight victims, making them doubt their own reality.
  • Children: Many victims stay because they fear losing custody or hurting their kids emotionally. 
  • Cultural or religious pressure: In some communities, leaving a partner is seen as shameful. Religious beliefs about forgiveness or obedience are often used to guilt victims into staying.
  • Isolation: Abusers cut off victims from friends and family, leaving them alone. With no one to turn to, victims feel stuck with no way out.
  • Trauma bonding: Abusers mix abuse with kindness, creating an emotional trap.
  • Shame: Victims often blame themselves for the abuse and fear judgment if they leave. 
  • Low self-esteem: Abuse destroys self-worth. Victims feel they don’t deserve better or believe no one else will want them, making it harder to leave.
  • Hoping they’ll change: Victims believe their abuser will change. They hold onto good memories, ignoring the abuse, and stay in the cycle, hoping it gets better.

Did you know? When survivors of IPV do finally leave, they cite these five reasons: 1) protecting other people from abuse; 2) worsening abuse, 3) availability of resources, 4) accepting that their abuser will not change, and 5) abuser’s infidelity.[6]


Your Next Steps

Supporting a friend through domestic abuse requires patience, empathy, and a deep commitment to their safety and healing. Remember that your consistent, nonjudgmental presence can be a powerful catalyst for change, offering hope and a pathway to recovery.

Make sure you know the warning signs of abuse so you can offer help and support as soon as possible.

But like your friend, you’re not invincible. Be careful and don’t hesitate to seek outside help if things grow stressful or dangerous.

Our guides to relationship abuse can help you and your friend navigate this difficult time.


Frequently Asked Questions

What are the signs of domestic abuse?

The signs of domestic abuse encompass more than physical violence. They include persistent emotional manipulation, controlling behavior, isolation from friends and family, sudden changes in personality, unexplained injuries, intense fear of partner’s reactions, and significant shifts in self-confidence and independence.

How do you convince someone to leave a toxic relationship?

You convince someone to leave a toxic relationship by creating a supportive environment of trust, providing practical resources, helping them recognize their inherent worth, and allowing them to make empowered choices at their own pace. Professional counseling, safety planning, and unconditional emotional support are critical components of this process.

How can I tell if a friend is in a toxic relationship?

If a friend is in a toxic relationship, you see patterns of control, consistent emotional or physical intimidation, significant personality changes, unexplained injuries, isolation from support networks, and signs of fear or extreme anxiety when discussing their partner.


References

1. Barnes, M., Barter, C., Herbert, A., Heron, J., Feder, G. & Szilassy, E. (2024). Young people and intimate partner violence: Experiences of institutional support and services in England. Journal of Family Violence, 39, 1609–1621. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-023-00591-x

2. Dekeseredy, W. & Schwartz, M. (1993). Male peer support and woman abuse: An expansion of Dekeseredy’s model. Sociological Spectrum, 13, 393–413. https://doi.org/10.1080/02732173.1993.9982041 

3. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (2020). Domestic violence. https://assets.speakcdn.com/assets/2497/domestic_violence-2020080709350855.pdf?1596811079991.

4. PenzeyMoog, E. & Slakoff, D. (2021). As technology evolves, so does domestic violence: Modern-day tech abuse and possible solutions. Sociology of Crime & Law, 643–662. https://doi.org/10.1108/978-1-83982-848-520211047

5. Green, A. A., & Kinchen, E. V. (2021). The effects of mindfulness meditation on stress and burnout in nurses. Journal of Holistic Nursing, 39(4), 356–368. https://doi.org/10.1177/08980101211015818

6. Chang, J. C., Dado, D., Hawker, L., Cluss, P. A., Buranosky, R., Slagel, L., McNeil, M., & Scholle, S. H. (2010). Understanding turning points in intimate partner violence: Factors and circumstances leading women victims toward change. Journal of Women’s Health, 19(2), 251–259. https://doi.org/10.1089/jwh.2009.1568


Author

  • Patrick Okoi is a writer with a passion for spirituality, love, romance, and the like. He also loves playing chess and dancing when no one is watching.

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