Starting a Relationship

Why Can’t I Get a Boyfriend? Find Out What’s Holding You Back

Patrick Okoi Avatar

Table of Contents

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but you’re still waiting for one to swim his way to you.

That’s your first mistake: Waiting. You need to act. You’re asking, Why can’t I get a boyfriend? Well, it could be one big thing or a lot of small things. 

Table of Contents

1. You’re a Walking Red Flag

Let’s not beat around the bush. Maybe it’s not them; maybe it’s you. You could be scaring off potential suitors and not even know it. It could be that you’re navigating the treacherous waters of modern dating with all the grace of a flamingo on roller skates. 

Here’s a checklist of behaviors that send men running for the hills: 

  • excessively discussing your ex (or exes)
  • planning your future wedding, including the names of your hypothetical children
  • sharing your entire life story, hopes, dreams, and deepest fears within the first five minutes of meeting someone new
  • constantly checking your phone during dates
  • exhibiting extreme jealousy or possessiveness early on
  • persistent insecurity
  • overanalyzing every text or social media interaction 
  • being overly critical or negative 
  • lacking personal interest or hobbies 
  • being too available or clingy 

Oversharing early on can be overwhelming for potential partners. It’s akin to trying to cram two weeks’ worth of clothes into a carry-on bag — it’s simply too much, too soon. 

The key is to reveal yourself gradually, like a tasteful burlesque show, not a full-frontal assault on day one. 

2. Your Standards Are Too High

Having standards is admirable, but if your list of requirements for a potential boyfriend reads like a job description for a combination of Einstein, Brad Pitt, and Justin Trudeau, it’s time for a reality check. Here’s a glimpse into an unrealistic checklist: 

  • must be over 6’2” tall
  • earns a six-figure salary (minimum)
  • has washboard abs and a full head of hair
  • speaks at least three languages fluently
  • is an expert in both quantum physics and gourmet cooking
  • never leaves the toilet seat up

Dr. Judith Sills, a relationship expert and clinical psychologist, in her book How to Stop Looking for Someone Perfect and Find Someone to Love, suggests that the goal isn’t to find someone who’s perfect but someone who shares your values and goals, saying that you should do away with unnecessary expectations.[1]

3. You’re Unapproachable

You’re out at a trendy wine bar, looking fabulous in your new little black dress. But instead of exuding an inviting aura, you’ve got your arms crossed, a scowl that could curdle milk, and you’re glued to your phone. Congratulations! You’ve just won the “Most Likely to Die Alone” award, complete with a lifetime supply of cat food. Here’s a crash course in approachability:

  • Uncross your arms and legs.
  • Make eye contact and smile (no, not like a serial killer — a genuine, warm smile).
  • Position yourself facing the room, not hiding in a corner.
  • Put your phone away — the world won’t end if you’re not constantly refreshing Instagram.
  • Engage in light conversation with those around you, even if it’s just the bartender.

Tonya Reiman, a body language expert, explains that open body language — uncrossed arms, eye contact, and genuine smiles — can make you appear more approachable and inviting.[2

So, try to channel your inner social butterfly next time you’re out. Think of it as an opportunity to meet new people, share a laugh, and make a new friend or two. 

4. You Have Low Self-Esteem

If your self-esteem were any lower, you’d need to dig to China to find it. You’re amazing, fabulous, and downright spectacular, but you don’t really believe it. 

Signs of low self-esteem in dating:

  • constantly apologizing for things that aren’t your fault
  • accepting disrespectful behavior on dates 
  • settling for relationships that don’t fulfill you
  • avoiding expressing your opinions or needs 
  • believing you don’t deserve a loving, respectful partner
  • expressing jealousy and insecurity
  • talking negatively about yourself
  • not accepting compliments easily

Renowned psychologist and Associate Professor of Human Development and Culture in the University of Texas Dr. Kristen Neff advocates for self-compassion. She believes that women should treat themselves with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a good friend.[3

Start by challenging negative self-talk and replacing it with positive affirmations. You’re a catch, and it’s time you started believing it.

5. You’re Stuck in a Dating Time Warp

If your idea of putting yourself out there involves waiting for Prince Charming to spot you across a crowded room while Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out for a Hero” plays in the background, we’ve got news for you: It’s 2024, not 1984. The dating landscape has changed. Here’s what you might be doing wrong:

  • refusing to try online dating or dating apps
  • expecting men to always make the first move
  • waiting by your land-line phone for him to call
  • only looking for potential partners in bars or clubs
  • believing that playing “hard to get” is still an effective strategy
  • strictly only dating people your age
  • expecting him to pick up the check — even for coffee

If you’re still stuck in a dating time warp, it’s time to embrace the new era. Step out of your comfort zone and try new approaches. A guy who immediately suggests paying dutch for dinner is a bit of a red flag, but so is expecting him to buy everything for you. 

This is a new world. Women are even allowed to have their own checking accounts. You can date a man 10 years older than you — or 10 years younger.

6. Your Emotional Baggage Is Massive

We all have baggage, honey, but yours is less “carry-on” and more “freight container.” Here is how your emotional baggage is cock-blocking your chances at love: 

  • You trust men about as far as you can throw them. 
  • You run from commitment.
  • You compare every potential partner to your ex. 
  • You’re needy and clingy.
  • You self-sabotage. 

Researchers Butler and Sbarra highlight in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships that emotional processes are central to human interactions and addressing emotional baggage can enhance relationship quality.[4] 

The perfect man on paper might be a dud in real life, while someone who doesn’t tick all your boxes could surprise you. 

7. Modern Dating Culture Is Working Against You

In the age of swipe and likes, finding a meaningful connection can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack made of dating apps. Here’s how modern dating culture can be sabotaging your love life: 

  • The prevalence of casual encounters can make it challenging to find someone interested in a serious relationship.
  • Despite being more “connected” than ever, many people are experiencing a paradoxical increase in loneliness and social isolation.
  • While dating apps can broaden your dating pool, they can also lead to a “shopping mentality,” in which people are always looking for the next best thing.

The addictive nature of swiping and matching can create an illusion of choice, while making it harder to commit to a single person. 

8. You’re Picking the Wrong Men

If your dating history reads like a collection of cautionary tales, it might be time to reassess your type. You might be constantly choosing the wrong man:

  • toxic men who manipulate or gaslight you
  • emotionally unavailable partners
  • immature individuals who aren’t ready for commitment 
  • “bad boys” who excite you but ultimately let you down 

Dr. Audrey Nelson, a gender communication expert, suggests that women often choose partners based on unconscious patterns learned in childhood.[5] Breaking these patterns requires awareness and a willingness to step outside your comfort zone.

9. You’re Actually Happy on Your Own 

Maybe you don’t have a boyfriend because deep down, you don’t want or need one. Society often conditions women to believe they need a man to be complete, but many find fulfillment on their own. Here’s to the “childless cat ladies” living their best lives: 

  • You’ve the freedom to pursue your passion without compromise.
  • Your time and resources are entirely your own. 
  • You can focus on personal growth and self-discovery. 
  • You’re not settling for a subpar relationship just to avoid being alone.
  • You always get to choose what to watch.
  • You can sleep in the middle of the bed. 
  • Cats don’t leave the toilet seat up.

Contrary to outdated stereotypes, many childless cat ladies (and dog ladies, and pet-free ladies) are living their best lives surrounded by rich friendships, fulfilling careers, and vibrant communities. It might be time for you to stop looking for love and enjoy your own brilliant company.

How to Get a Boyfriend

Okay, now let’s see if we can help you get one of those elusive boyfriend things. 

1. Expand your social circle

It’s time to emerge from your blanket fort of Netflix and ice cream lightly salted edamame and rejoin the land of the living. Here’s how to broaden your horizons: 

  • Join a co-ed sports league (even if you throw like a T-rex).
  • Take a cooking class (bonus: you’ll learn to make something other than reservations).
  • Volunteer for a cause you’re passionate about.
  • Attend local events and festivals.
  • Try speed dating (it’s like musical chairs but with potential soul mates).

To finally snag the man of your dreams, embark on an adventure. Dive into new activities, expand your social circle, and just be your awesome self. You might meet Mr. Right while dodging a frisbee. 

2. Conquer online dating

Yes, navigating dating apps can feel about as romantic as a root canal, but they’re a necessary evil in today’s digital age. Here’s how to swipe your way to success:

  • Choose recent, flattering photos (no, not the ones from your cousin’s wedding in 2010).
  • Write a bio that showcases your personality (avoid cliches like “love to laugh” — who doesn’t?).
  • Be proactive in starting conversations (a simple “hey” won’t cut it).
  • Move from messaging to meeting in person relatively quickly.
  • Meet in public places and let a friend know your plans.
  • Research the apps and pick one that matches your goals.
  • Trust your gut — if someone seems fishy, block them.
  • But be open-minded.

Remember, if all else fails, you can always adopt a cat and become the internet’s next viral sensation.

3. Cultivate an air of mystery

Don’t overshare. Here’s how to keep them intrigued: 

  • Share information gradually over multiple dates.
  • Maintain some independence (don’t cancel all your plans for a new guy).
  • Keep some topics off-limits until you know him better.
  • Leave a little to the imagination (no need to detail your entire five-year plan on date two).
  • Focus on creating experiences together rather than just talking about yourselves.

Share your story in chapters, keep your solo adventures alive, and save the plot twists for later. Nobody wants to binge-watch your entire life story on the first date!

4. Embrace the power of confidence 

Confidence is sexy. Here’s how to exude it: 

  • Practice power poses before dates.
  • Wear clothes that make you feel fabulous.
  • Focus on your positive qualities and accomplishments.
  • Set small, achievable goals to boost your self-esteem.
  • Surround yourself with supportive friends who lift you up.
  • Prepare topics to talk about ahead of time.

Research by Murphy et al. shows that confidence can enhance romantic desirability, as individuals who exhibit high self-assurance are often perceived as more attractive. They argue that “the self-confidence that an individual portrays can indicate the presence of a number of desirable traits.”[6]

Even if you find confidence difficult to muster, fake it til you make it!

5. Perfect the art of flirting

Flirting is like dancing — it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets a restraining order. Here’s how to flirt like a pro without coming off as desperate:

  • Make eye contact, hold it for a few seconds, then look away.
  • Casually touch his arm when laughing at his jokes.
  • Laugh at his jokes, even the bad ones — but please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t force it.
  • Give genuine compliments, but don’t make it weird.
  • Gently tease him but not for something he’s insecure about.

Relationship and self-help expert Dr. Pam Spurr says that flirting is about creating a private moment between two people, even in a crowded room.[7] It’s like you’re sharing a secret, and that secret is “I find you attractive, and I’m not half bad myself.”

How to Keep a Boyfriend

1. Refine your communication skills

Communication is key, but it’s about quality, not quantity. Here are some tried-and-true tricks to being a good communicator.

  • Be clear and direct when expressing your needs — avoid vague hints.
  • Actively listen when he speaks, and don’t interrupt or assume you know what he’s thinking.
  • Stick to “I” statements like “I feel” rather than “You always” to avoid sounding accusatory.
  • Check in regularly, like a simple conversation over dinner, can keep things in sync without overwhelming him.
  • Control your facial expressions and body language as well as your words.
  • Approach disagreements with empathy, compassion, and humility.

2. Maintain your independence

Stay true to yourself and keep your own social life and hobbies intact. If you were into yoga or painting before dating, don’t drop it just to spend all your time with him. Encourage him to do the same — plan occasional solo nights with friends or separate activities. A little space can strengthen the bond and keep the relationship fresh. 

3. Keep the spark alive 

Routine is inevitable, but excitement doesn’t have to die. 

  • Surprise him with fun date ideas, like a spontaneous road trip or a cooking class. 
  • Learn his love language.
  • Keep physical affection alive — hold hands in public, share quick kisses, and flirt with each other like you did in the beginning. 
  • Try new things in the bedroom to keep the chemistry exciting and avoid falling into monotony.
  • Leave little notes for him to find when you’re not around.
  • Don’t wait for him to be the one to initiate physical intimacy. 

4. Support his growth 

Just as you need space to grow, give him room to evolve. Mutual support builds a deeper, stronger bond over time. 

Encourage him to chase his goals, whether it’s a work promotion or a personal hobby. Celebrate his wins and be there when he needs support during tough times. He’ll appreciate having a cheerleader and want to keep you around for the long haul.

5. Cultivate patience

Be patient when he makes mistakes, and don’t overreact to minor issues. He’s not perfect, and neither are you. Instead, take a step back, assess the situation calmly, and pick your battles wisely. Give him space to grow without instant change and your relationship will thrive through understanding and patience.

Why It’s Hard for a Successful Woman to Find a Man

You’ve shattered glass ceilings, built your empire, and know the difference between a 401(k) and a Roth IRA without breaking a sweat. Yet despite all your triumphs, finding the right guy feels difficult. Today, many successful women find themselves in similar predicaments. 

Men who aren’t secure in themselves might see a woman’s success as a threat to their pride. For them, it’s not about companionship — it’s about competition. 

In classic sitcoms like The Donna Reed Show or Leave It to Beaver we see the 1950s portrayal of the American woman: She stayed at home, raised the kids, and didn’t venture beyond the domestic sphere. This isn’t just TV fiction — it reflects a societal norm that still lingers today. 

Even though we live in an age where women are CEOs, astronauts, and Nobel Prize winners, the noxious remnants of these traditional pigeonholes persist. A professionally successful woman is still perceived as the exception rather than the norm, and those who are successful are often labeled “aggressive.” 

The movie The Proposal (with Sandra Bullock as a high-powered executive) perfectly shows how society reacts to powerful women — with a mixture of fascination and unease. She’s labeled a “shark” in the office and is initially dismissed as being cold and unapproachable.

In relationships, these deep-rooted beliefs can also cause friction. For instance, an old-fashioned man might feel uncomfortable with his wife earning more than him because, traditionally, men were expected to be the breadwinners. 

Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, admitted in her book Lean In that balancing her career and personal life was an ongoing struggle.[8] She wasn’t alone — powerhouse women like Oprah Winfrey and Condoleezza Rice have similarly confessed that the relentless pursuit of success often meant there was little time left for romance. 

When a woman is managing a business, a team, or a career, she might not have the luxury of dedicating time to swipe through dating apps or engage in long courtships. And in today’s fast-paced world, the result is that many men may misinterpret their busy schedule as a lack of interest. 

Here’s another tricky truth: Successful women often have high standards — and rightfully so. After years of working hard to reach their goals, they want someone who matches their ambition, intelligence, and values. 

Take Michelle Obama, for example, who famously said she didn’t just want a husband; she wanted a partner who was her intellectual equal. She found that in Barack Obama. But the reality is that finding someone who can keep up isn’t always easy. 

A successful woman isn’t just looking for a dinner date — she’s searching for a companion who stimulates her intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. If you rock a pantsuit more often than a sequined crop-top, you may find it hard to find a man because you’re busy conquering the world and you don’t have time to sift through slim pickings. 

Conclusion

Take these tips to heart, but don’t lose sight of the most important relationship in your life — the one with yourself.

Let go of asking yourself, Why can’t I get a boyfriend? You’re the protagonist of your own story. And whether that story involves Prince Charming or a series of hilarious dating mishaps that will make for great brunch conversation, make it a tale worth telling.

For more information about getting into a relationship, follow the link!

FAQs

How do I realistically get a boyfriend?

To realistically get a boyfriend, expand your social circle, engage in activities you enjoy, be open to different types of people, and embrace online dating. Most importantly, get out of your house and interact with people.

Why is it hard for me to get into a relationship?

It could be hard for you to get into a relationship because of high standards, low self-esteem, emotional baggage, or approachability issues. If you feel this is getting in the way of your happiness, consider speaking with a therapist about it.

At what age is it easiest to find a partner?

There is no age when it’s easiest to find a partner. However, many people find their 20s and 30s to be the most conducive for dating due to increased social opportunities and fewer responsibilities. 

References 

1. Sills, J. (1985). How to stop looking for someone perfect and find someone to love. Ballantine Books.

2. Reiman, T. (2008). The power of body language: How to succeed in every business and social encounter. ‎Gallery Books.

3. Neff, K. (2021). Fierce self-compassion: How women can harness kindness to speak up, claim their power, and thrive. Harper. 

4. Butler, E., & Sbarra, D. (2013). Health, emotion, and relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(2), 151–154.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407512453425

5. Nelson, A. (2009). You don’t say: Navigating nonverbal communication between the sexes. Prentice Hall Press.

6. Murphy, S. C., von Hippel, W., Dubbs, S. L., Angilletta Jr, M. J., Wilson, R. S., Trivers, R., & Barlow, F. K. (2015). The role of overconfidence in romantic desirability and competition. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 41(8), 1036–1052.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167215588754

7. Spurt, P. (2015). The laws of sisterhood: The rules for successful dating, keeping your friends, and finding the one. New Holland Publishers. 

8. Sandberg, S. (2013). Lean in: Women, work, and the will to lead. Knopf.


Author

  • Patrick Okoi is a writer with a passion for spirituality, love, romance, and the like. He also loves playing chess and dancing when no one is watching.

    View all posts
0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
guest

0 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x