The secret ingredient to a thriving relationship isn’t grand gestures or expensive gifts — it’s curiosity.
When my friend Jess started feeling disconnected from her husband, Liam, after five years of marriage, she didn’t book a fancy vacation or suggest couples therapy. Instead, she started asking questions — real, meaningful ones that went beyond “How was your day?”
Table of Contents
The results were nothing short of transformative.
Fun and Lighthearted Questions
Jess remembered what it felt like when she and Liam were falling in love, that butterflies-in-your-stomach sensation, and she was determined to bring that energy back into her marriage.
“The day I realized I could recite Liam’s takeout order but couldn’t remember the last time we really laughed together was the day I knew something had to change,” she told me over coffee one rainy Tuesday.
These lighthearted questions can bring back the playful energy that might have faded over time:
If you could eat only one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?What's the most embarrassing song on your playlist that you secretly love?If we could teleport anywhere for dinner tonight, where would we go?Would you rather be able to talk to animals or speak all human languages?What's your weirdest hidden talent that I might not know about?If our relationship was a movie, what genre would it be and who would play us?Would you rather have an extra finger or an extra toe?If you could instantly master any skill, what would it be?What's the strangest dream you've ever had about me?What fictional character do you think I'm most like?If we switched bodies for a day, what would you do first?Would you rather give up coffee forever or chocolate forever?What's your most irrational fear that you've never told me about?If you could change one rule in any sport, what would it be?What ridiculous fashion trend would you bring back if you could?Would you rather always be slightly too hot or slightly too cold?If you had to choose a new first name, what would it be?What's the worst gift you've ever received and had to pretend to like?If you could have dinner with any three people, dead or alive, who would they be?Would you rather have the hiccups for the rest of your life or always feel like you need to sneeze but can't?
After a week of sprinkling these questions into their evening routine, Jess was shocked at how much she was learning about Liam — like his secret dream of opening a taco truck or his irrational fear of mannequins.
But as fun as these playful questions were, she knew that to really strengthen their connection, they needed to dig a little deeper. And that’s when things got really interesting . . .
Questions to Strengthen Your Relationship
The night Jess asked Liam about his love language, she expected a quick answer and maybe a laugh. What she got instead was a three-hour conversation that left them both teary-eyed on their living room floor. “I realized we’d been trying to love each other in completely different languages,” Jess confessed.
What makes you feel most loved — words, gifts, touch, acts of service, or quality time?How do you think our communication has changed since we first met?What's one thing I do that makes you feel especially appreciated?When was a time you felt I really understood you?How do you prefer I bring up concerns — right away or after you've had time to unwind?What's something I do that unintentionally hurts your feelings?How can I better support you when you're stressed?What's something I've done recently that made you feel loved?What's one conversation you think we've been avoiding?When do you feel most connected to me?What does trust mean to you in our relationship?How do you think we handle conflict compared to other couples?What's one thing you wish I understood better about you?When have you felt proudest of us as a couple?How can I make you feel more appreciated on ordinary days?What topic do you wish we talked about more?What's one thing I do that helps you feel secure in our relationship?How can I better respond when you're having a bad day?What kind of physical touch makes you feel most loved?What habits do you think strengthen our bond?
When Jess and Liam started regularly checking in with questions like these, they noticed something remarkable: They stopped having the same arguments on repeat. With a better understanding of each other’s needs, they could address issues before they festered.
But their journey was just beginning — soon they started asking questions about something even scarier than their feelings: their future.
Expert insight: According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, couples who ask open-ended questions and show genuine interest in their partner’s responses are significantly more likely to maintain satisfaction in their relationships. “The simple act of asking questions signals to your partner that you value their inner world,” Gottman explains in his research on marital stability.[1]
Dreams and Future Planning Questions
For their “dream date,” instead of dinner and a movie, Jess and Liam spread a map on their living room floor, closed their eyes, and each pointed to a spot.
“Wherever we both pick, we’ll visit for our 10th anniversary,” she explained. They landed nowhere near each other (Liam: rural Montana; Jess: coastal Portugal), but it sparked a three-hour conversation about places they wanted to see together.
When partners share their dreams, they’re inviting each other into their inner world and creating a shared narrative:
If money were no object, where would we live and what would our life look like?What's one adventure you want us to have together in the next five years?How do you envision our retirement years?What's a skill or hobby you'd like us to learn together?How do you think we should balance saving for the future versus enjoying life now?What financial goals should we prioritize in the next few years?What kind of legacy do you want us to leave together?How many vacations per year would be ideal for you?What's your dream house like?How would you feel about relocating for a career opportunity?What would be your ideal work-life balance five years from now?How do you want to celebrate our major relationship milestones?What's something you've always wanted to do but haven't told me about yet?How do you feel about our current division of financial responsibilities?What kind of community do you want us to be part of?If we could start a business together, what would it be?What does career success look like for you in ten years?How important is it to you that we share hobbies and interests?What's one change you think would significantly improve our quality of life?How do you want to approach major purchases together?
After several wine-fueled future-planning sessions, Jess and Liam had a shared Google doc of dreams and goals that energized them both. But there was still one area they hadn’t fully explored — the kind of questions that make your cheeks flush and your heart race. It was time to turn up the heat . . .
Intimate and Romantic Questions
The night Jess decided to ask Liam about his fantasies, she lit candles, opened a bottle of wine, and put on something special. “I expected it to be awkward, but we ended up talking until 3 a.m.,” she laughed. “It was like discovering a whole new person — a person I was even more attracted to.”
What's your favorite memory of us being intimate together?What's something new you'd like to try in the bedroom?When do you feel most attracted to me?What's a fantasy you have that you've never told me about?How can I make you feel more desired in our everyday life?What was going through your mind the first time you saw me?What's something I do that still gives you butterflies?How comfortable do you feel expressing your needs to me?What makes you feel sexy and confident?What's your idea of a perfect romantic evening?What's one way we could add more playfulness to our relationship?What kind of nonsexual touch do you crave more of?What's one thing you wish you knew about me when we first met?What song makes you think of us?How has your definition of romance changed since we've been together?What's something romantic you've always wanted me to do?What's the most meaningful gift I've ever given you?How do you feel about public displays of affection?What kinds of compliments make you feel most loved?When have you felt most connected to me emotionally?
After their intimate question sessions, Jess reported that Liam started leaving her little notes around the house again — something he hadn’t done since they were dating. “It’s like rediscovering each other,” she said with a smile.
But what about those questions we’re sometimes afraid to ask? The ones that might rock the boat but could ultimately save it from sinking? Sometimes you’ve got to go deep or go home . . .
Did you know? According to sex therapist Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, couples who can openly discuss their intimate life report higher levels of both sexual and relationship satisfaction. “Communication about desires and boundaries doesn’t diminish romance — it enhances it by creating safety and trust,” she explains.[2]
Meaningful and Hard Questions
The coffee shop fell silent when Jess told me, “Liam admitted he’s always resented how much time I spend with my mother.” She stared into her latte. “Ten years together, and I never knew. We had this massive fight, but afterward . . . It was like a weight was lifted.”
Some questions are hard precisely because they matter most. Most relationship conflicts are about perpetual problems — issues that will never completely go away. The important thing isn’t solving the unsolvable but discussing these challenges with respect and understanding.
What's one thing about your childhood that you think affects how you show up in our relationship?What's your biggest fear about our future together?What parts of your life do you feel are missing or unfulfilled right now?What's something you've been afraid to tell me because you worry about my reaction?How have your religious or spiritual beliefs changed since we've been together?What's something I do that triggers old wounds for you?What's one recurring argument we have that you think is actually about something deeper?What do you consider absolute deal-breakers in our relationship?What boundaries do you think we need to establish or reinforce?When have you felt dismissed or invalidated by me?What's one thing about me that you've had to accept even though it's difficult?How do you think our relationship would change if we faced a major crisis together?What expectations did your family have about relationships that you've brought into ours?What's one thing you miss about your life before our relationship?How do you feel about how we handle relationships with each other's families?What's a sacrifice you've made for our relationship that I might not fully appreciate?What's something you need from me that you've been afraid to ask for?How do you really feel about our intimacy and sex life?What's one way you think I've changed since we got together?What's something about our relationship that worries you?
After their hardest conversation yet — about whether to have kids — Jess texted me the next day: “I’m exhausted but I feel like I actually KNOW him again. We’ve been roommates for years, but tonight we were partners.”
And isn’t that the whole point? To truly know and be known by the person sharing your life?
From Questions to Connection: What Comes Next
When Jess and Liam celebrated their anniversary last month, she told me something I’ll never forget: “The questions saved us. But it wasn’t really about the questions — it was about making space to hear each other again.”
Questions are just the beginning. The magic happens in the listening, the vulnerability, the laughter, and sometimes, the tears that follow. Set aside dedicated time — maybe a weekly date night or a monthly weekend getaway — where phones are off and curiosity is on.
Make it fun! Turn it into a game, write questions on popsicle sticks and draw them at random, or take turns being the “interviewer” complete with a fake microphone. The sillier the setup, the easier it often is to dive into the serious stuff.
Most importantly, approach these conversations with genuine openness. You might be surprised by your partner’s answers, and that’s the whole point. Even in the most committed relationships, there’s always more to discover.
On that note, to discover more tips from Break the Cycle, visit our guides to being in a relationship.
Here are more resources to help you reignite the flame with your partner:
- Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend to Make Him Laugh
- Never Have I Ever Questions: Spicy Edition
- Tough Relationship Questions to Strengthen Your Connection
- Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend to Get to Know Him Better
- Questions to Ask a Guy to Get to Know Him Deeper
- “Favorite Things” Questions to Really Get to Know Him
FAQ
What are good questions to ask your partner to strengthen your relationship?
Good questions to ask your partner include ones about their feelings, dreams, and needs. Ask about their love language, what makes them feel appreciated, and what they want for the future. Regular meaningful conversations help couples feel more connected and understood.
How often should couples ask each other deep questions?
Couples should try to ask each other deep questions at least once a week. Setting aside dedicated time without phones or distractions works best. Even 15–30 minutes of quality talking time can make a big difference in how close you feel.
What questions help couples resolve conflicts better?
Couples can resolve conflict by asking questions like “How do you feel when we argue?” and “What would help you feel heard?” Focus on understanding each other’s needs rather than winning the argument. Good questions help find solutions that work for both partners.
References
1. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
2. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon and Schuster.
