You text him to initiate your next date — for the third time in a row. As you hit send, you wonder to yourself why he never texts first but always replies when you text him. Here are seven possible reasons why.
7 Reasons He Texts Back Immediately but Never Texts You First
They say love is a battlefield. And while “they” may be a little melodramatic, it can certainly seem that way when you’re the only one doing all the heavy lifting by making contact first all the time.
1. He doesn’t like texting
Some people are big texters; others are not. If he happens to fall into the latter category, don’t take it personally. It’s not about you, and it’s certainly not worth putting your relationship to a screeching halt over.
Dating a poor texter may be annoying, but it’s not a deal-breaker. A good way to circumvent this is to go old school and just give the guy a call.
If he’s excited to hear from you when you reach out, it’s safe to say he’s into you and he probably just sucks at texting — no harm, no foul.
That’s innocent enough to give him the benefit of the doubt.
2. He is swamped at work
Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that dating prospects are people, too. I know, crazy, right?
But they also have to pay bills, put food on the table, and do all the other “fun stuff” that comes with adulting. And that means he most likely has a career he’s investing in.
Or maybe he’s focusing on building a business and is pooling most of his efforts into that. Whatever the case, a major reason why he texts back immediately but doesn’t initiate could be because of his work.
He may not think about contacting you until he sees your name appear on his phone screen. And it’s not because he’s trying to ignore you; it may actually be a matter of biology.
Studies have shown that men can often be very single-minded and task oriented.
According to Dr. Michael Gurian, co-founder of The Gurian Institute, “The male brain tends to be more efficient to lateralize and compartmentalize, which has the advantage of making him more task-focused.”[1]
This means that the typical guy is very good at focusing on his work — to the exclusion of other activities or obligations — until the task at hand is completed.
So, if he’s never texting you but always responds when you reach out, it may be because he’s so swamped at work that messaging you doesn’t even cross his mind.
3. He is talking to multiple people
If he texts back immediately but never initiates, consider the possibility he’s talking to other people. That’s probably not what you want to hear, but . . .
Of course, at the beginning stages of a relationship, neither party has made a commitment. As a result, you can’t really demand he not date other women if you suspect he might be. The best plan to follow is to continue hanging out and having fun together.
If you’re right for each other, then slowly, over time, he won’t want to be with anyone else — once he starts seeing what a bombshell you are.
In the meantime, it’s a good idea to keep your options open, too. Remember, he has to work for your affection, as well. So, try not to get too starry-eyed over his well-groomed hair and strong jawline.
He’ll respect your love and affection a lot more if he puts in some effort to earn them.
4. His life is busy
If he’s a normal, well-adjusted human, he probably has friends, family, hobbies, interests, and an active social life. He might not text you first because he has numerous plates spinning in his life. As a result, the best course of action is to be patient while practicing being the proactive one in the relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with you being the one who initiates, provided he’s happy to hear from you when you reach out.
If he’s nonchalant and dismissive of your messages, that’s another story.
Taking hours or days to respond to one of your texts is a red flag you shouldn’t ignore. No one is so busy that it takes them days to respond to a text.
5. He isn’t interested enough
The harsh truth is that sometimes he’s just not that into you. Late aughts movie references aside, a guy who has the hots for you will respond to your text and make room for you in his schedule, regardless of how busy he is.
Here are a few signs to look for that may communicate disinterest:
- He puts in a poor effort: A guy responding to your text with one-word answers is a guy who doesn’t care much about moving things forward. And if that’s the case, then neither should you.
- He doesn’t make plans: If he doesn’t ask you out or won’t give you a time he’s available when you try to make plans, that’s a bright neon light communicating his disinterest.
- He has ridiculous excuses: If he makes plans but cancels at the last minute because his parakeet died or his goldfish needs emotional support, that’s a dude you’re probably better off without.
I know it’s hard but try not to see a lack of interest as a personal slight — simply see it as a sign of incompatibility.
Remember, the right guy will jump at the chance to go out with you. So, if he texts back immediately but doesn’t commit to plans with you, it’s a pretty good sign that he’s not feeling it and probably just likes the attention.
It may be difficult to break things off (especially if you’re really into the guy), but telling him to get in touch if he changes his mind and then walking away is the best choice in this situation.
Corey Wayne, author of Mastering Yourself, says, “The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.”[2]
6. He’s testing your interest
If he texts back but doesn’t initiate, it may be because he’s testing the waters to determine your interest in him. Perhaps he’s been rejected in the past and is too afraid to show how much he’s into you.
There’s a lot of uncertainty in new relationships. Both of you are slowly opening up, forming an emotional connection, and sharing more of each other to increase intimacy — all of this can feel very vulnerable.
As a result, he may try to look for a sense of certainty when it comes to your interest. Considering you’re reading this article, you may feel the same way about him.
This is natural; no one wants to get hurt in a relationship. To move past these relationship growing pains, it’s important to focus on the positive qualities of your budding relationship.
Marriage and family therapist Bree Jenkins says, “I always tell my clients to keep their feet on the ground, their sights up, and their hearts open.”[3]
It’s also important to be honest — and maybe a bit fearless — about your feelings. If you shoot your shot and he shoots you down, well, at least you put yourself out there. But if you cower in fear and he thinks you’re uninterested, you might miss out on something great.
7. He doesn’t want to seem clingy
A guy who likes you is going to put his best foot forward. He’ll make sure he puts on the best cologne for your dates, wears his sharpest button-down shirt, and sounds as smooth and suave as possible over text.
All of this to say that he doesn’t want to make a bad impression.
As a result, it’s highly likely that he may be waiting for you to text first because he doesn’t want you to perceive him as being needy or clingy.
This could be why he’s sitting back waiting for your text; he’s hoping you’ll reach out so he doesn’t get tossed into your “stage-5 clinger” category.
What It Means When He Waits for You to Text Him
This dude waiting for you to take the initiative could have several meanings. Let’s explore some possibilities.
He likes the attention
The unfortunate reality is that there are many insecure people out there. Many of them will entertain romantic prospects they aren’t really interested in simply because they like the attention.
This is classic narcissist behavior, and you don’t have to play that game, nor should you. The best way to handle it is to stop all forward movement with a guy who displays these signs.
And this is important for your own sanity and mental health.
According to Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, “Narcissists don’t love others unconditionally nor feel the kind of love that others do in healthy relationships. There is an absence of empathy, and they cannot understand what their partners are experiencing or feeling.”[4]
These types of relationships are very transactional — everything comes with a catch.
And this can result in what is known as a “trauma bond” forming in the relationship, which is an emotional attachment that develops between the victim and their abuser.[5]
So, if you notice this kind of behavior, turn the other way and run. As. Fast. As. You. Can. This kind of behavior can quickly develop into a toxic relationship or even an emotionally abusive relationship.
You deserve a good, high-value man who genuinely cares about you, not a narcissist with an inflated sense of self-importance.
He is not good at taking initiative
Another reason he may be waiting for you to text first is that he sucks at taking the lead.
This may be due to fear of rejection or just not enough self-confidence. Either way, it can be a total turn-off.
If you really like the guy, you can encourage him to step up and be a little more proactive. There’s nothing wrong with offering some guidance.
He isn’t thinking about you
The simple truth is that he may have forgotten to text you. He might not even be thinking about you. Have you found yourself a workaholic? Or a gym-a-holic? Folks are just busy these days.
Even if he texted you first once, that doesn’t mean he’ll always text first. Life is busy for everybody, and if he’s got a lot on his plate, his phone might be the last thing on his mind. Instead, he’s looking forward to that special picnic under the stars he has planned.
The solution here is to throw yourself into his orbit with a simple text. If he’s excited to hear from you, you know he’s into you.
Conclusion
There are many reasons why he never texts first but always replies.
It can be challenging to pinpoint the exact reason, so it’s best to keep things flowing. Once the relationship has matured and a stronger connection is formed, you can ask for more effort.
But until then, try not to stress about it too much and just enjoy getting to know the new guy in your life.
Want to learn more about how to get into a relationship? Check out the link.
FAQs
Why does he always wait for me to text first?
He always waits for you to text first because he may be busy, have other obligations, or is simply testing your attraction for him. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not interested. Consider other factors, such as his behavior when you’re together and his ability to keep plans.
Why does he always respond to my texts quickly?
He always responds to your texts quickly because he’s interested in you and wants to spend time with you. When he responds, take the opportunity to set the next date with him to continue where you left off on your last date.
Do guys like fast replies from a girl?
Yes, guys like fast replies from a girl. Most people do. But that doesn’t mean you should be at his beck and call. Respond to his text messages when it’s convenient for you, not just because he reached out. It’s all about striking a balance.
References
1. The mind of a man. (n.d.). WebMD.
https://www.webmd.com/women/features/mind-of-man
2. Wayne, C. (2022). The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. LinkedIn.
https://www.linkedin.com/posts/coachcoreywayne_the-strongest-negotiating-position-is-being-activity-6887749326114693120-rV6v
3. Lloyd, S. L., & Pierre-Louis, C. (2024, February 14). How to protect your heart in a new relationship. Brides.
https://www.brides.com/protect-your-heart-4169324
4. Degges-White, S. (2024, July 3). Loving a narcissist can be detrimental to your health. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202407/loving-a-narcissist-can-be-detrimental-to-your-health
5. Casassa, K., Knight, L., & Mengo, C. (2022). Trauma bonding perspectives from service providers and survivors of sex trafficking: A scoping review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 23(3), 969–984.
https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838020985542
