A Parent’s Guide to Identifying and Preventing Teen Dating Violence

As your child navigates the ups and downs of first romantic relationships, your role is guiding them and ensuring their safety. 

This guide can help you recognize the signs of dating violence, understand how to prevent it, and provide practical advice for having these necessary conversations with your teen.

Signs of Teen Dating Violence

Teen dating violence (TDV) is a harsh reality no parent wants to face, but given that every 1 in 12 teens will experience physical or sexual dating violence, it’s crucial to be prepared and know the signs.^[1] 

1. They apologize for their partner’s behavior and make excuses for them.

Longitudinal research conducted by the National Institute of Justice found that teens involved in abusive relationships frequently struggle with unhealthy relationship dynamics, such as controlling behaviors and intense emotional attachments.^[2]

These factors contribute to the victim’s tendency to rationalize their partner’s behavior, often blaming themselves or holding out hope that their partner will change​.

This mentality is a significant barrier to recognizing and escaping the cycle of abuse. 

2. They lose interest in activities they used to enjoy.

Withdrawal is a coping mechanism, a way of conserving emotional energy in an increasingly stressful environment.^[3]

A study published in Pediatrics found that “female participants experiencing victimization reported increased heavy episodic drinking, depressive symptomatology, [and] suicidal ideation.”^[4] 

Teens in abusive relationships often experience depression and anxiety, leading them to withdraw from hobbies and social engagements that previously brought them joy. 

3. They exhibit symptoms of depression and anxiety. 

As a parent, it’s easy to dismiss mood changes in your teen as just another phase of adolescence. But if your teen seems consistently down or stressed, it’s time to pay closer attention. 

Growing up today is challenging enough, but depression and anxiety aren’t just “part of growing up” — they can be indicators of something far more troubling, like being in an abusive relationship.

Experiencing intimate partner violence dramatically increases the likelihood of suffering from anxiety, depression, and even posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), according to numerous studies.^[5]

Observe your teen closely and pay attention to changes in their behavior. These shifts might be subtle, but they could be warning signs of something far more serious:

• Changes in sleep patterns: Insomnia, frequent nightmares, or sleeping too much
• Appetite changes: Sudden weight loss or gain, often due to loss of appetite or emotional eating
• Physical complaints: Unexplained headaches, stomachaches, or other physical pains without a clear cause
• Withdrawal: Pulling away from friends, family, and activities they used to enjoy
• Declining academic performance: Dropping grades, loss of interest in schoolwork, or skipping classes
• Irritability or mood swings: Frequent outbursts, agitation, or emotional sensitivity
• Self-harm: Engaging in behaviors like cutting, burning, or other forms of self-injury
• Feelings of hopelessness: Expressing a sense of despair, worthlessness, or frequent thoughts about death or suicide.

Don’t wait. Addressing these symptoms early can prevent them from escalating and can help your teen get the support they need to break free from an abusive relationship. 

Your attention could make all the difference in keeping them safe.

4. They stop seeing friends and family members and become more and more isolated.

Isolation is one of the most telling signs of an unhealthy relationship. 

Abusers often isolate their victims from their support networks, making them more vulnerable to manipulation and less likely to seek help.^[6]

When teens stop seeing friends and family, this antisocial behavior often results because their partner has either directly or indirectly discouraged these connections, creating a sense of dependency and control.

5. Their partner calls them names and puts them down in front of other people.

By normalizing this behavior in public, the abuser is also conditioning their partner to accept mistreatment privately.

A study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence explores this aspect of dehumanization in the context of teen dating violence, stating, “Dehumanization has the potential to account for different abusive behaviors because it involves making negative judgments of others that make it easier to harm them.”^[7]

Public humiliation is not just a sign of disrespect; it’s a tactic used to erode self-esteem and assert control. 

6. Their partner acts extremely jealous of others who pay attention to them, especially people of a different sex.

Jealousy, verbal conflict, and cheating are associated with the perpetration of physical violence in adolescent romantic relationships.^[8] 

The NIJ Journal reports that “a teen who has difficulty expressing himself or herself may turn to aggressive behaviors (sometimes in play) to show affection, frustration or jealousy.”^[9]

Jealousy is one of the early warning signs of an abusive relationship. When unchecked, this can evolve into controlling behaviors that severely limit the victim’s freedom and autonomy.

7. Their partner thinks or tells your child that you (the parents) don’t like them.

This tactic is a form of emotional manipulation designed to drive a wedge between the victim and their support system. Isolating a victim from their family is a common strategy used by abusers to increase control and dependency. 

By sowing distrust, the abuser ensures that their partner is less likely to turn to their parents or other loved ones for support or intervention.

8. Their partner controls their behavior, constantly checking up on them, calling and texting them, demanding to know who they’ve been with.

This behavior, often labeled as “overprotectiveness” by the perpetrator, is a form of digital dating abuse that has become increasingly common in the era of smartphones and social media. 

Nearly one in four teens in a relationship experience digital dating abuse, including constant monitoring and demanding constant communication.^[10]

This constant surveillance creates a state of perpetual anxiety and reinforces the abuser’s dominance.

9. They casually mention their partner’s violent behavior but laugh it off as a joke.

Laughing off violence is a coping mechanism, a way to downplay the seriousness of the situation and avoid confronting the reality of the abuse. 

Research published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health warns that if aggression is seen as attractive or acceptable — often due to societal and media influences — violence can be dangerously normalized. Gender stereotypes further blur the lines, making abuse seem less serious.^[11]

This normalization not only prevents victims from recognizing the abuse but also perpetuates the cycle, affecting future relationships.

10. You see their partner violently lose their temper, striking or breaking objects.

Witnessing your child’s partner violently lose their temper, especially to the point of striking or breaking objects, is a serious warning sign. 

This behavior indicates a lack of emotional control and a potential for physical harm. It’s not just a momentary lapse but a display of aggression that can easily escalate. Such actions create an environment of fear and intimidation, making the partner feel unsafe. 

This kind of behavior often precedes direct physical violence, and it’s a clear indication that the relationship is unhealthy and potentially dangerous.

11. They often have unexplained injuries, or the explanations they offer don’t make sense.

One in twelve teens experiences physical dating violence.^[12] And those numbers only represent the reported cases.

Frequent unexplained injuries or vague, inconsistent explanations are a call for immediate intervention.

It’s crucial not to dismiss these injuries as accidents, as they often point to physical abuse, where the teen may be covering up for their partner out of fear, shame, or denial. 

How to Prevent Teen Dating Violence

Educate yourself and your teen.

Learn that teen dating violence is not only about physical harm, but also emotional manipulation, psychological control, and digital harassment. 

When you understand the signs, you can guide your teen to recognize them too. Equip them with the knowledge to spot unhealthy behaviors before they escalate.

Here are some resources to educate yourself: 

• Break the Cycle
• The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey
• Teen Newsletter: March 2021 – Teen Dating Violence 
• Teen Dating Violence: A Closer Look at Adolescent Romantic Relationships
• National Parent and Youth Helpline

Set healthy relationship expectations

While most adolescents are aware of the unrealistic nature of relationship portrayals on social media, they still influence their own relationship views, according to a study published in Sexual Health.^[13]

Make it clear what a healthy relationship actually involves: setting boundaries, mutual respect, trust, and open communication. 

Share examples, either from your life or from stories they know, that illustrate positive and negative dynamics. 

This helps set a clear standard for what they should expect and demand in a relationship.

Encourage open communication

Create a space where your teen feels comfortable talking to you about anything. 

If they know they can approach you without fearing judgment or punishment, they’re more likely to share their concerns and experiences, including those about their relationships. 

This openness is crucial for addressing any issues before they become more serious.

Model healthy relationships

Your teen looks to you for cues, whether they admit it or not. 

Demonstrate what a healthy relationship looks like by being respectful, communicative, and kind in your interactions. 

When they see you handling disagreements and stress constructively, it sets a powerful example of what they should aim for in their own relationships.

Stay involved in your teen’s life

Get to know who your teen is spending time with. 

Encourage group activities where you can casually meet their friends and potential partners. 

By staying engaged without being intrusive, you can keep a pulse on their social life and spot any troubling signs early on.

Talking to Your Teen About Dating Violence: 10 Questions to Ask 

1. How are things going?

Start with a non-threatening question to create a comfortable environment where your teen feels safe opening up. 

If they respond with something like, “Why do you care all of a sudden?” remember, they’re signaling they want you involved. 

Acknowledge their feelings by asking, “Why would you say that? I really want to know.” Then, listen. 

This approach sets the stage for deeper conversations without jumping straight into heavy topics like teen dating abuse or intimate partner violence.

2. What are your friends’ dating relationships like?

Understanding the dating culture among your teen’s peers is crucial. Peer influence is a significant factor in adolescent behavior, including dating. 

Ask about what they observe in their friends’ relationships to gauge what they might be normalizing. 

According to a survey conducted by the CDC in 2016 and 2017, more than one in four women and every one in five men reported having experienced dating violence before the age of 18.^[14]

These stats highlight the importance of discussing what’s happening in their social circle.

3. Have you seen any kind of abusive behavior between two people who are going out?

This question helps identify whether your teen recognizes abusive behaviors. 

It’s important to talk about what constitutes dating violence, including emotional and psychological abuse. 

According to the “Youth Risk Behavior Survey” conducted and published by the CDC, about 9% of high school students have reported experiencing sexual dating violence.^[15]

These behaviors can be subtle, so ensure your teen knows that abuse isn’t just physical.

4. Why do you think one person would abuse the other when dating?

Society often pressures boys to equate masculinity with power, strength, and control. 

Studies leave no doubt about how sexist attitudes in adolescent relationships are related to intimate partner violence, sexual risk behaviors, and poor relationship quality.^[16]

In relationships, this can manifest as psychological or emotional abuse, threats, possessiveness, jealousy, intimidation, and even physical violence. 

Unfortunately, such behavior is too often dismissed or excused. 

Discussing these issues might lead to some uncomfortable questions or disagreements, but it’s important to reflect on the messages your teen is receiving at home and in your interactions. 

Be honest and open about your thoughts and experiences and encourage a genuine conversation about these influences and their impact on behavior.

5. Why might a person stay in an abusive relationship?

Shockingly, according to a study featured in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, “Most of the adolescent victims of physical dating violence remain satisfied and committed toward their abusive relationship . . . in which the abuse tends to persist and increase in frequency and severity.”^[17]

Teens may stay in abusive relationships due to love, fear, or low self-esteem. Love can blind them to the reality of the abuse, while fear of the abuser’s reaction or of being alone can keep them trapped. Low self-esteem, often eroded by the abuser, makes them believe they deserve the mistreatment. 

Discussing these tendencies openly with your child helps them recognize the signs of abuse and understand that they’re not alone, empowering them to seek help and break free from unhealthy relationships.

6. What makes a relationship healthy?

A healthy relationship is rooted in mutual respect, trust, and clearly set boundaries. It’s essential that both partners feel valued, supported, and free to express themselves without fear of judgment or retaliation. 

Trust fosters honesty and transparency, while boundaries ensure that both individuals maintain their autonomy and feel secure. As parents, discussing the green flags of a healthy relationship with your teen and comparing them to the red flags of an unhealthy relationship can help them set expectations as to what a good relationship looks like.

7. What can you do if you have a friend who is threatened or a friend who is abusive?

Your teens may find themselves needing to support a friend in an abusive relationship. 

Discuss the importance of active, reflective listening, providing nonjudgmental support, and encouraging their friend to seek help. 

Remind your teen about resources like the National Dating Abuse Helpline. 

A study published in the Journal of School Health reveals that only 9% of youth report abuse because they are afraid to tell friends and family.^[18]

It’s crucial that your teens know how to help themselves and their friends get and stay safe.

8. What kind of messages about dating abuse and relationships do we see in the media?

Media plays a significant role in shaping teens’ perceptions of relationships, often normalizing unhealthy dynamics. Movies, music, and social media frequently portray sexism, devalue women, and, disturbingly, normalize violence against women. 

Unfortunately, domestic violence is sometimes trivialized or even depicted humorously in news outlets, magazines, advertisements, and television shows.^[19]

It’s crucial that you talk with your kids about these media messages, helping them critically evaluate how these portrayals align — or clash — with the values of respect and equality that should guide healthy relationships.

9. If your teen is dating someone, ask “How is your relationship going?”

If your teen is dating, ask them, “How is your relationship going?” to encourage open dialogue. This allows you to gauge their relationship health without being intrusive.

If your teen isn’t dating, ask, “What behaviors would you be okay with in a relationship?” to set a foundation for healthy expectations. 

If you discover that your child is either a victim or a perpetrator of violence in a relationship, stay calm and supportive. Don’t blame yourself. Focus on your child. 

Reassure your teen that you love them and thank them for trusting you. Avoid forbidding the relationship, which could push them away. Instead, ask how you can help, seek a counselor specializing in teen dating violence, and provide ongoing support. 

If your teen admits to abusive behavior, express love but stress that his behavior must change. Seek counseling and reflect on any behaviors you’ve modeled. 

Contact a domestic violence agency or the National Dating Abuse Helpline. 

Keep communication open without fear of punishment.

10. Where can you go to find help if you or your friend needs it?

Finally, ensure that your teen knows where to find help. It could be a relative, friend of the family, clergy member, teacher, school counselor, coach, or even the police — anyone, as long as they talk. 

Whether it’s through the Love is Respect website, the CDC’s youth violence prevention resources, or a local hotline, make sure they have access to these resources.

What Is Relationship Abuse?

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is a serious preventable public health problem that impacts millions of Americans. It occurs across the lifespan and often starts in adolescence, referred to as teen dating violence (TDV).

IPV (also commonly referred to as domestic violence or relationship abuse) includes “physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression (including coercive tactics) by a current or former intimate partner (i.e., spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, dating partner, or ongoing sexual partner).”^[20]

Intimate partner violence (IPV) can take many forms, like physical harm, psychological manipulation, sexual coercion, and stalking, which can occur both in person and through digital means, such as mobile devices and social media. 

Abuse does not always result in physical injuries. It can manifest as threats, emotional abuse, insults, or isolating someone from their social network. Controlling what a person wears, who they associate with, or violating their personal boundaries are also forms of abuse. 

It is important to recognize that anyone, regardless of age, race, religion, sexual orientation, education, or income level, can be a victim or a perpetrator of IPV.

Before You Begin

Your child is probably already dating — perhaps more seriously than you realize. 

According to the Pew Research Center, some 35% of teens have some type of experience in a romantic relationship.^[21]

And while it may seem like innocent “puppy love” to you, relationships between teenagers can seem incredibly intense and all-consuming to them.^[22]

As a parent, you must understand and accept the realities of teen relationships and sexuality in order to protect your child from teen dating violence.

A study featured in the Journal of Adolescence revealed that “teens, more than parents, stressed the importance of parents supporting and providing comfort to teens while refraining from overreacting and yelling.”^[23]

Don’t let your discomfort with the topic blind you to the possible warning signs of relationship abuse or stop you from reaching out and communicating with your child. 

Getting Started

1. What’s a good setting to have this conversation?

Starting a conversation about abuse with your teen is a significant and delicate task. Choosing the right moment and approach can make all the difference. Here are some tips to help you navigate this important discussion:

When talking to your teen about sensitive topics like abuse, choose a private and comfortable setting. Opt for a quiet place, like a coffee shop or a casual drive, where you won’t run into familiar faces or be distracted. 

Avoid mentioning the conversation in front of others, except possibly your child’s other parent. 

Creating a relaxed environment helps your teen feel safe and more willing to open up. Focus on listening respectfully to encourage honest communication.

2. What should I hope to get out of the conversation?

In your conversation, aim for two main goals:

• Build trust: Ensure your teen feels supported and understands that you’re a nonjudgmental listener they can rely on.
• Offer practical strategies: Once trust is established, provide realistic advice to help them effectively address any issues they’re facing.

You can’t achieve the second goal without first establishing the trust and support that your teen needs.

3. Are there any other nuts-and-bolts tips for having the actual conversation?

This talk will be difficult for both you and your teen. The better the communication structure you’ve built over years, the easier it will be, but it will not be easy — no matter what. 

Here are some tips on how to approach the actual conversation: 

• Share your own experiences. Talk about mistakes you made when you were your teen’s age and what you learned from them. This helps build connection without crossing boundaries — remember, they need you as a parent, not a friend. Avoid discussing recent personal experiences to maintain those boundaries.
• Use teachable moments. Take advantage of natural opportunities to bring up the topic, like while watching a TV show that touches on similar issues. You can also weave discussions about dating violence into conversations on other sensitive topics or include your younger teen in discussions with older siblings.

Be attentive and responsive. Always be ready to listen when your teen wants to talk, even if they downplay the importance of the conversation. Being available and attentive reinforces that you’re there to support them.

4. How can I tell if my teen might want to talk to me?

Pay close attention to your teen’s behavior to recognize when they might want to talk. 

If they hang around you without saying much, mention not feeling well without a clear reason, or try to get you alone — like volunteering to run an errand with you — these could be signs they’re ready to open up. 

Even if they frame a conversation as “no big deal,” take it seriously. The fact that they’re bringing it up at all indicates that it matters to them.

Conclusion

Maintaining an open line of communication with your teen is essential to helping them navigate relationships and preventing dating violence.

Regularly check in with them and be attentive to any signs that they might want to talk, even if they downplay their concerns. 

By fostering trust and providing practical advice, you can empower your teen to recognize unhealthy behaviors and seek help when needed. 

Remember, your ongoing support and understanding are key in guiding them through these challenges and ensuring their safety.

Resources

• Break the Cycle: Provides education, support, and legal services to teens and young adults experiencing dating violence
• Love is Respect: Offers resources and a hotline for teens and parents to learn about healthy relationships and get help
• National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: A confidential helpline offering support and advice for teens experiencing dating abuse
• CDC Youth Violence Prevention: Information on preventing youth violence, including dating violence, from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Provides 24/7 support for anyone experiencing domestic violence, including teens in abusive relationships

References

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